An Invitation

I would like to invite everyone to the new blog for Willow Dreams found at  

http://willowdreams.wordpress.com/  .

I want to thank you all for being loyal followers.  

I'm just in shock...

August 7

The calm before the storm…went out to the shop to pick up his cheque.  While we were there I started gathering  up his pay stubs to bring in the house rather than leave laying in the truck.  I saw a brand new wallet.  I asked him when he started carrying one and when he got it.  At first he said it wasn’t his.  It had his ID in it.  He became very curt with me when I asked if she bought it for him.  I didn’t say very much after he barked at me.  He was in the wrong last year but I feel as though I’m the one being punished still.  It’s as though I don’t have a right to question things.  I still feel as though he’s holding back and not telling the truth.  He said after to me  ”you don’t have much to say”, well neither did he.  The wallet smelled very new to have been bought a year ago, you know that fresh leather smell.  Why is the truth so hard to tell.  Why bother doing something if you have to lie about it?  If she is still hounding him, why is he afraid to tell me, and look for my support if he is not doing anything to encourage her?

Why did he really come back?  Maybe she threw him out so he pretended to come back because he wanted to.  Maybe she didn’t want him there when she found out what he was doing.  How much longer can I go on feeling paranoid.  I am very nervous out in public now, I don’t feel safe or secure.

11:30 pm

I can’t sleep.  Too much is going through my mind.  What does the future hold.  More heartache, lies, deception.  I’m afraid of what is in store for me.  I can’t seem to get it right.  What did I do so bad to deserve this.  Am I being tested to see how much I can take before I lose it completely.  My stomach is doing circles.  All I ever asked for was the truth.  I feel stuck.  I went from a marriage going no where to a cheating spouse.  There was no break, I feel degraded, cheap and worthless.  

12 am

I just finished writing a note to him.  I told him I feel like he’s holding back, not telling me everything.  I said I feel deceived and need answers to my questions.  I don’t know how he’ll take it, yes I do, who am I fooling.  He’s going to blast at me.  He’ll get defensive and become angry, I hope he just comes clean and tells the whole truth.

August 9

The note only came up today because I asked him about it.  He says the wallet has been there the whole time.  He says he bought it she didn’t.  He says he didn’t deny it was his when I first asked about it.  So, I’m going crazy.  I’ve lost it.  I’m psycho.  Seeing and hearing things.  He didn’t want to discuss it either.  Tonight in bed all of a sudden he blurted out “come on, get it off your chest, I know you want to say something”, I shouldn’t be made to feel like the guilty party but I do.  I came downstairs because I don’t want to argue with him, now he’s mad because I did.  I’ve had hardly any sleep the past two nights, I’m tired.    He came down the stairs and said “what’s your problem”.  I told him I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m the guilty party.  He asked me how long I’ve felt this way.  He has not been listening to a word I have said at all.

2 am

Life really sucks, we just spent the last two hours talking and got no where.  I knew he wouldn’t take my thoughts well.  He does not understand one bit.  I heard a few zingers tonight….”I don’t even want to have sex with you”, “maybe it’s your fault my family doesn’t like you, I’ve seen you at functions, you can’t handle anything”, ” I’ll sleep on the couch again and just go back to how it was before”, “I don’t know how to approach you”.  I knew it was a mistake to write the note.  He took everything wrong and now things are worse than before.  I really don’t know what to do now.  I can’t live that way.  I really don’t want to go to any functions with his family.  I don’t think he could handle what I have had to deal with.  He said he should never have come back here that it was a mistake.  He thinks he should have rented a room somewhere to decide what he wanted instead of coming back here.  Perfect, tell me you love me you miss me, go home to another woman but rent a room to see what you want.  Maybe he’s right.  Maybe he should never have come back.

Try to find at least one good thing.....

July 11

I phoned him on Wednesday at noon.  We both agreed we didn’t want to be fighting.  He did apologize for what he said.  My daughter left  to go to the cabin with my brother and niece for the week.  

July 13

Good day, took our son to the African Lion Safari.  Yesterday I was in a strange bummed mood.  I wasn’t hungry.  He was going on about motorbikes again.  I think he feels cheated.

July 20

Reserved camping sites for our vacation.  Yes he has agreed to take time off work to vacation with us.  First family vacation in 8 years.

August 1

We survived.  Not a bad drive to Collingwood.  Power was out at campsite from 1 - 6 pm.  Had a fire, set up tents.  Slept pretty good.  The caves were neat.  Kids had fun.  Went to Wassaga beach on way home.  I’m feeling in a distant mood.  Almost like it’s too good to be true.  He was OK.  Happy.  Maybe it’s because it’s August and that’s when world shattered last year.  One good thing, I quit smoking last year…. June 20, 2002, 2:20 pm.  It’s been over a year.  So there is one good thing that has come out of all this, right?

Take a breath and go...

July 7 

He is still upset and so am I.  It seems like he’s slowly chipping away at any sense of self worth I have left.  I never imagined I would react this way.  I never imagined there would be a day where there was no fight left in me.  I hate the way I look.  If he wants to leave I’ll open the door for him.  He blames me for losing the bike she bought for him.  So many words from so many people still haunt me.  Him saying getting involved with me was a mistake.  Now this last one.  He didn’t even stand up to her when she wrecked my daughter’s birthday party.  Things just don’t seem to be working out very well.  He gets angry, I get upset.  Right now this is the worst since September.  I don’t know if we can survive the effect of his cheating.  It seems to have added problems too.  I don’t throw it in his face, in fact we don’t even talk about it.  We chose to try and move on.  How do you forget and move on though.  Some days I’m suspicious.  Why I don’t know.  I feel defeated and ready to turn and walk away.  I couldn’t live through giving him another chance.  I feel like building a high wall is the only way I’ll survive.  He’s starting to get angrier with me now.  He ignores the kids.  I’m not sleeping well at night, I toss and turn.

Evening

The tension is so evident.  I don’t know what to do or say.  How do you set aside pain.  How do you close your mind and heart to it.  Is it fair of him to expect me to.  How long does it take to get over heartache and how could it hurt so much.  I don’t know what he’s thinking and I’m afraid to ask.  I don’t want to argue anymore or fight or have misunderstandings.  Again I don’t know how we’ll get back to where we were.

July 8

Last night he asked very curtly how we were going to fix this.  My answer was simply I don’t know.  He didn’t sound too happy because I took the opening message off his phone.  He asked me if I didn’t love him anymore.  Right now I’m still very hurt.  Loving someone doesn’t come to mind and that’s sad.  He made a comment the other week that I have found curious.  He said that before we split up he was depressed.  Congratulations, so was I.  I still am.  It didn’t just go away when I found out my husband was with another woman and telling me lies.   It didn’t just go away whe I found out he was sneaking over here in the morning to be with me and telling her lies.  He never stayed late while he lived with her, I know why, she would have figured it out.  I feel worse now.  I’m more paranoid, she said I was the other woman.  I am still having the panic attacks.  I’m ready to throw in the towel.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  He builds me up and then he drops me.  He’s getting angry over small things and I don’t understand why.  Maybe he’s looking for a way out and is using fighting for an excuse.  He’ll either use this to say he’s leaving because we’re not getting along instead of the truth that he just doesn’t want to be here.  The kids heard the whole fight.  The front door was open and the neighbors heard every word he yelled at me.  His anger explodes out of nowhere.

Evening

Nothing has changed.  I don’t understand how he could get so angry and say such hurtful things.  I think it may be time to bring out all the questions I have.  It’s time to close the chapter and try to move on.  I don’t even know how to approach the topic because he’ll just explode at me.

I am not stupid....

July 1

Things are not better and are starting to revert back to the way they were.  I had a panic attack on Sunday, my husband and daughter were butting heads.  He was ranting and raving, because I didn’t yell at her also I was being yelled at by him.

July 5 

Today has not been good.  It’s been like walking on a tight rope.  That ache was back in my eye last night.  Things felt strained between us this morning.  We went and bought ceiling fans and all hell broke loose because I didn’t understand why or see the reason for leaving an elastic band around the glass.  Because it didn’t seem right in my head I kept asking about it.  He got upset.  He started yelling at me, I said I wasn’t going to work with him if he was going to yell at me, his response, fuck you.  I hate working with him because he makes me feel stupid when I don’t understand something.  He has never said that to me before though.  The way he said it just sucked the air right out of me.  The same way it sucked the air out when I heard on the phone “my name is Pat and he’s been living with me since he left on March 17″.  I don’t feel so good right now.  The ache that is inside me feels like it’s in my throat choking me.  A hard lump.  Why is it wrong if you don’t understand something to keep asking and talking about it until you do.

Celebrations have lost their happiness...

June 1

Today I’m on the edge of a cliff.  I seem to be ready to cry at the drop of a hat.  I’ve tried to crawl as far inside myself as I possibly can.  It keeps the tears away and I can’t be hurt either.  He’s been apologetic but I don’t buy it.  Everytime he says something mean or sarcastic it hurts deeper.  I wish I could crawl into the shadow in a corner.

June 3 my son’s birthday

My husbands parents phoned to say they were coming over.  I had a panic attack.  He had told me so much that the house was a shit hole that I’m ashamed when people come in.  I can’t get it clean enough.

June 9

The last few days have been quite sad.  On Friday June 6 both my cats were put to sleep.  Our wedding anniversary is coming up, I hope the day is at least tolerable.

June 12

I’m a little detached.  Tomorrow is Friday 13th.  He’ll want to go to Port Dover but he has no bike, and I’m working.  I’m so sick of hearing about Harley Davidson bikes.  He almost drools over them.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to react.  I’ve got that feeling again that something is going on.

June 16 Fathers day

The day started out good but went downhill.  I asked him to sign the card I got for his dad for father’s day.  I found out at his parents house that he signed his name and sealed the envelope, again never included me.  I was so embarrassed at his parents house his mom opened the card and proceeded to show me the gifts and cards everyone  gave my father in law.  He seems to be setting me up for failure with his parents.  So I was the only name missing on cards, I played second fiddle to the other woman last year, this year I’m not good enough to add on the card.  He made all the comments in the past and excluded me and I was blamed for it.  I felt like an outsider.  He made me feel unwelcome.  I sat outside away from the group.  Better than being in the same room and ignored.  Some days I think it hurts so badly because it’s the person I love with all my heart hurting me.  Over and over again.  I always guarded myself in the past so I wouldn’t be vulnerable.  Yet the one person I thought I could trust betrayed me and continued to stab me in the back.

June 18 Our anniversary

I put a card in his lunch bag.  He brought home a card and roses.  I took a picture because I don’t know if this will ever happen again

(Author’s note, it was a good thing a picture was taken because it has not occurred now in 7 years, remember gifts were only received if he had done something wrong and felt guilty)

May 16

I’m beginning to feel numb, I feel like distance is coming between us.  Maybe it’s because nothing has really been resolved.  We just go back together and that was it.  None of my questions were answered, I don’t even know how to approach him to talk about any of this.  Any time I have tried to talk he gets defensive.  I’m afraid.  Sometimes feeling nothing helps you melt into the background.  It still hurts inside though.

8:30 pm

He went out for coffee.  That’s unusual for him.  I don’t think he’ll respond well to any of my questions.  I just want to close the book and be done.  I want closure.  That’s all.  I don’t know how to get closure  I’m ashamed to tell anyone what happened and why I’m so messed up.  I was so certain he was different.  I was sure he would never cheat on me.  I would have bet my life on it.  The faith and trust I had, it’s all gone.  He said his ex’s all cheated on him.  Maybe it was the other way around and he is denying that.  I feel more alone than I did before.  I find my behavior is becoming compulsive.  I get pains in my stomach, easily confused, emotional, not able to think straight.  I know the doctor would send me to a therapist and put me on pills for depression.  I don’t have time to go and talk to someone, I don’t even have the money to do that, and I don’t like pills.  I think writing has helped quite a bit.  It’s given me an outlet.  Plus I could write what ever and not hurt anyones feelings.  Everyones a winner right?  I wish, I feel like I’m cornered just waiting for the next blow.  Where will it come from and when.  I wish I could put away all these feelings in a bag and throw them away.

May 20

Good long weekend.  Drove around, went to the zoo, fireworks.  Went to my dad’s grave site.  I said goodbye.

May 22

Picked up the helicopter pictures.  Ran into his parents, invited them for breakfast.

May 31 

Said he didn’t have to start work until 8, but was going to get up at 6:30 and head over.  When I asked why so early he became defensive and said he’d just  tell his brother he couldn’t work on Saturday.  It’s raining right now, for two days he’s be vague and defensive.  My sense of security is gone.  Deja vu.  From past experience this is how he acts when he’s covering a lie.

A black cloud on Mother's day....

May 8

More weird dreams.  They didn’t even make sense.  I can’t remember what I dreamed, I woke up tired and confused.  Am I awake or am I dreaming.  Are we back together or am I dreaming we are.  Yesterday was one of those days that all the sad, angry feelings I pushed down came to the surface.  I can’t ignore them too much longer.  I’ll have to address the problem soon.  I just don’t want him to get the wrong idea.  I don’t want to upset him.  He will have to take responsibility for his actions and accept the blame.  Life is about choices, unfortunately his choices hurt me and now I have a problem.  I wish the thoughts, the hurt would go away.  It’s like having a nagging headache.  I want peace.  I want to know the whole truth.  I want to know and trust he’s not keeping anything from me.  I think I’m having trouble because I haven’t confronted any of the issues.

May 9

Feeling more settled today.  There are still tears on the edge but I feel calmer.

May 11 Mother’s Day

The kids tried, my son made me a card at school and my daughter went to the corner store and bought me a candle.  He didn’t help them in any way.  He never even offered to help them.  They tried to make me breakfast.  He went to make breakfast after and asked what I wanted.  I said I’d have toast and bacon but no eggs.  When I came down there was nothing, he made no toast and gave our son all the bacon.  There was no breakfast for me, said he forgot.  I still feel like he’s taking advantage of me.  He doesn’t care about my feelings or he wouldn’t do these things.  I don’t  want any more disappointment, no more Christmas’s where there is nothing.  No more birthdays where I am ignored.  I don’t understand why he wouldn’t help the kids.  I don’t think my heart can be shattered any more than it already has been.  I still feel like he’s doing something behind my back.

May 12

I don’t think he even realizes how his insensitivity hurts me.  And if he does he doesn’t care.  He would try to change if he was really sorry.  Instead he’s gotten worse.  If he’s trying to break my spirit it’s working.  I’ve been having panic attacks when we go out.  I feel very insecure.  Some days are good, some are horrible.  I don’t know what I’m really feeling.  I feel confused, scared.  I feel like he has me on a line.  Reel me in then throw me out again.  Is he making himself feel better at the cost of lowering my self esteem.  Does he feel so secure and blameless.  Why does he feel that he did nothing wrong and that I made him cheat

Feeling low, low, low....

April 26

He finished the deck today.  That was a lot of work.  I had another strange dream last night.  I was hiding.  He was trying to help me.  Very weird.  He was younger in the dream.  His mom was there too.  I think the dreams and my thoughts are born of fear and low self esteem.  I don’t feel that deserve happiness.  I’m afraid of being hurt.

May 5

I’m afraid, it feels like a gap is growing between us.  I’d swear there is something he’s keeping from me.  I have a raw sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I almost feel a wedge.  An unfeeling wedge growing wider.  It scares me.  I hate the way I look, I feel fat, and I feel ugly.  After having everything and money when he lived with her it must be hard for him to come back here to nothing.  All he talks about is wanting a Harley motorcycle.  Nothing else is good enough now. Money is the root of all evil.  I wish I knew for sure why he came back.  How he really and honestly feels.  Did he only come back because he got caught.

May 6

I’m kind of blank today.  I don’t really know how I feel.  Afraid, I’m still afraid to totally let go and trust him completely again.  I’m still afraid to be hurt again.  It’s weird he had my complete trust before but not all of me.  Now he has all of me but I have no faith or trust in him.  Can you truly love someone but not trust them?

May 7

Maybe it’s not that I don’t trust him.  If I didn’t trust him I probably wouldn’t be here.  I think I’m honest with myself.  I realize the chances are good he’ll cheat on me again.  I can’t say anymore he wouldn’t do that to me.  I don’t think his love goes that deep.  I have always cared for, loved and respected him too much to do that to him.  Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.  That one choice he made showed me I can be replaced at any tie and his love isn’t deep enough to overcome the choice of cheating.  He didn’t respect me or my feelings.  It’s hard living with that knowledge.  It still hurts.  I think it will be something that will always haunt me.  He had better and then for some reason settled for me.  That’s how I feel, I was settled for, second choice, last on the bench, used.

Is a dream reality or reality a dream....

April 24

Still feeling a little numb and detached today.  I kind of feel as though he’s not telling me the whole story still.  Last night I dreamed we were at his sister’s house, a family get together and his parents lived next door.  We were going between the two houses.  At one point I’d had enough and proceeded to tell them all what I  thought of them.  He left the room.  I told him I wanted to go home and he handed me the keys.  He didn’t support me at all in the dream.  He sided with them and denied everything.  In the dream after I got the keys I left.  When I woke up I didn’t feel too good.  He isn’t standing up for himself.  He lets them walk all over him.  But yet he told lies about me to her and his family and won’t admit to it.  I think there will be no trust until he tells me the truth about what he said to them to make them dislike me so much.  His parents told me some of the things they were told that I was supposed to have done.  Sometimes I wonder if getting back together  was the right thing to do after finding out he moved in with another woman.  Would it have been easier to get over missing him and wanting him.  On one hand I love him and am in love with him but on the other side it still hurts so bad knowing he lied and broke our vows.  He couldn’t keep his commitment until the bond was legally broke.  He told me he loved and missed me whenever he would come to pick up our son.  But he always went home to her.  I’m just so confused.  I don’t know what to think, where to turn or who to trust.  I don’t trust his family and that’s sad.  I’ve always believed that if you talk about someone behind their back then say it to their face too.  If you can’t then don’t say anything.  Never lie to make yourself look better.  Take responsibility for your actions.  It makes things so much easier.  How on earth can he and I move ahead if his family is keeping her and the bike around.  Are they trying to separate us, is that part of her plan.  All I know for sure is that I am insecure and worried.  I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t reach him.  The one that got them together still hasn’t owned up to it.

Down in the dumps....

April 23

Let’s just call it a down mood.  Too much thinking.  All the negative feelings I tried to shut the door on are slipping through.  It’s getting harder to hide it.  Yesterday they noticed I was on the verge of tears again.  Major feeling of “I’m not the only one in his life”.  I’m not the only one of anything.  He’s done so much more with others and I’ve done nothing.  We don’t really share anything other than a son.  That’s the thing no one else has done for him.  I had been feeling better but then he made a comment about what an ex did sexually.  He told me none of them did, so another lie.  He’s totally into new positions all of a sudden.  Why?????  I think he slept with her, he said he didn’t, said he couldn’t, I think he lied.  He just doesn’t want to admit it.  Too many doubts about everything.  I wish he would just tell the truth.  I would never think of blurting out something I did with someone else.  That’s inconsiderate.  I don’t feel very special to him.  Trying to ditch these feelings, I guess that’s why I write instead of talking.  I keep these thoughts to myself.  The best way to get them out is to write.  Then I don’t hurt his feelings and he doesn’t get defensive.  I’m sure he realizes the directions of my thoughts.

afternoon

Feeling better now.  It’s not the greatest place to be when you’re so unsure of things.  I guess yesterday and today I’m just really unsure of where I stand in his life.  I want to believe him but I feel like I can’t. I’m embarrased by my appearance, I feel fat.  Sometimes I just feel like running away.  I’ve been quite emotional again lately.  I cry easily.  My feelings are hurt.  Just walking on a tightrope again.  It really does mess up lives when you screw around.  I hate how you hurt me and the kids, I hate the depth of pain you caused.  I don’t want to look at him.  The other weekend when talked about intimacy with his ex it pushed me back.  I’m not interested in how she did it and what she did.

Somedays I hate being me...

April 21

It started out rocky, a few hurtful words.  But in the end sunday and saturday turned out ok.  He worked hard on the deck.  He didn’t want to which is what started the problem.  I feel like I don’t know where I stand with him.  Even though things are great all around.  I just don’t know where I stand.  Would he walk away if something better came along?  Is he truly committed this time?  I’m not too secure yet.  It was a good Easter weekend.

April 22

This is quite a year for change.  Last sunday he took us to a friends house for a helicopter ride.  The kids loved it.  Everything is getting better but I’m finding myself becoming jealous.  I didn’t before.  I’m not sure why the change.  The situation with her really messed me up a lot.  I know now that at anytime he could turn to someone else no matter how much he loves me.  It doesn’t do much for the ego knowing that.  All I can do is hope he wont’.  It’s almost like I’m hanging from the thread and he’s at the bottom saying let go I’ll catch you.  I’m afraid to let go completely, I want to trust him but something is blocking me.  I can’t quite put my finger on the reason.  That’s probably why I’m still writing.  Tonight my mood has really gone downhill.  Something he said to me on sunday has been nagging at me.  He mentioned something secually that an ex did that I don’t do.  I know I’m not giving him what he wants now.  He’s probably comparing me to her everytime in bed.  He probably only settled for me. I wonder if there was someone else that both her and I don’t know about.  During the separation his sexual choices changed dramatically.

And now, back to Willow Dreams....

April 16

Looking back over time it’s nice to see how the hurt is not as bad anymore.  The really low days have stopped.  It’s only when we have a disagreement that I get really sad lose faith in myself.  He tries hard to make me feel good.  He tells me all the time I’m the cutest mom or wife.  Right now I think my major problem is doubt.  He says he loves me and wants to be here.  My own screwed up head wonders if something better came along would he leave.  He says he wasn’t attracted to her.  She was overweight and offered him to stay there.  So does that mean if she was thinner he would have stayed?  Or did he love me enough to leave still.  I can’t compete with someone who has a few million in the bank.  I’m proud of him.  He is not into revenge.  He’s held his head high through it all.  I wish he could have his Harley.  I wish he didn’t have to work.  I would love a vacation on an island, alone, no one else around.  Get up when we want, sleep and eat when we want.  Nice dream eh.  lol.  I’m sure the novelty would wear off after awhile and boredom would set in.  Most of all I’d like to be away from the negative influences that quite a few of his family exude.

Every now and then until I have you completely updated on Willow Dreams…. I will jump in with something current.  Today, it’s my birthday.  Surprisingly enough this has been a great day.  I’m working afternoon shift this week so everything started last night when I arrived home at 11:45 pm.  There were two cards and a rose plant.  Jim and Dak were both awake.  This morning the phone rang at 6:30 am, oh my goodness, who on earth is phoning at that time, hopefully I thought at the time it’s not an emergency because I really don’t feel like moving.  Back to sleep I went and the next thing was the door bell……..hmmf, it’s my birthday and the world wants me awake, lol.  Down to the door I stumble, peek out and standing there is my mom.  OK, I can be sneaky, not answer the door or phone at times, but, when it is my mom standing there, nope, so I throw the door open trying to look awake.  She was quite happy because my daughter who is away right now had hatched a plan with her Nana to deliver me a birthday surprise.  So birthday deliveries were made.  As for the phone call, that was my daughter, Risse called at 6:30 am to leave a birthday message on the answering machine.  Great day is not sufficient enough to describe it, even mother nature is kicking in by warming the temps up a little.  So how do I feel today, fantastic, elated, loved, wanted, remembered.  The last few years with everything that’s been going on birthdays were pretty sad.  And I even think this birthday is going to have such an impact that it may pave the way to help get over the date of March 17 when Willow Dreams was hatched, in case you haven’t read all the posts, that is the date my husband and I separated and he moved in with someone else.  So we are replacing some sad moments with joyful memories, friends included.  The day isn’t over yet because apparently my coworkers are planning a little gathering at break time to celebrate also, and my favorite delight will be provided, cheese cake.  : )  So with you, my faithful reader, I wish to share my joy today.  It’s a good day…..

She's back in the picture again...

March 23

The weekend is OK, some of the thoughts that are running through my mind though are revelations.  I know how easy it is to lose the relationship, I know how easy it is for him to turn to someone else, during the separation I chose to stay alone.

March 25

I feel like we don’t have much time left together.  I hope it’s not an omen.

March 26

We must be on a roll.   Things have been really good for almost two weeks now.

March 27

I spoke too soon.  His sister called to say there would be a baby shower on April 8.  I’m not too excited about going.  These are the people who stabbed me in the back, supported his choice to lie to me and the kids and have an affair.  He picked up on my mood.  We’re supposed to go to his parents on saturday  for turkey.  If I don’t go to either it will make things worse for me with him.  Things are bad enough already.  I don’t like being around people who lie to me.

March 28

He was sick all last night.  I called his mom to let her know.  If he isn’t feeling better we won’t be going for dinner.

March 29

He is feeling better today.  He had something to eat.

March 30

Well, I really know he is better, he’s starting to pick at me again.

April 15

Well, I haven’t really needed to write for the last few weeks up until now.  Everything had started to go great.  Then “the other woman” popped back into the picture.  Did I mention she was a lotto 649 winner, yep, big money, nothing I can compete with at all.  She had bought him a brand new Harley Davidson, his dream bike.  When he came back home he signed it back over to her and walked away.  In a way she snatched his dream from under him….but wait, it gets better.  She contacted one of his brothers and asked him if he wanted to buy the bike…..and he did!  We just found out, he was bragging about it, how could he hurt his own brother like that and flaunt the bike infront of both of us.  It caused a major rift between them this weekend.  Now he is taking it out on the kids and I.  I feel lost and alone.  We lost our closeness because of the bike which goes right back to her.  She’s still coming between us.  I wish he’d never made that choice.  I needed to be touched too, I needed someone to be close too but I never once thought about turning to someone else when we were separated.  I’m afraid to approach, touch, say talk, ask him anything.  Here come the tears.  I found a fishing hunting card with her address and his name on it.  I thre it in the garbage.  I’m sick of seeing her address, her name, being reminded of the lies and deception.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we’re back together and that after that major test we still love eachother.  The hurting though hasn’t stopped.  Everytime I turn around there she is or something that is part of her.  Now this bike is going to be around.  The others hang out with her still.  I just want everyone to leave him and I alone.  I’m hoping I can get past the tarnishing of our wedding vows.  Christmas sucks big time.  There aren’t any celebrations that mean anything now to me.  He only gives gifts  if we’re fighting.  I hope the summer vacation won’t end up being a right off.  I still feel though like he’s being forced to be here, not because he wants to.

I'm trying...

March 13

Last Saturday I almost lost it completely.  It doesn’t matter what started it, the fact is I almost went over the edge.  He and I in a round about way talked and he helped me by listening.  I yelled at the kids.  I was able to let him know how I felt.  From our talk in the parking lot the rest of the day and the weekend ended up better.  This has been a fairly tough week.  Last night it was 8:30 when he got home from work and his back still hurts.  I wish we could be lucky and win some money.  Then we could move and he could have a Harley, he could have a heated work shop.  I don’t know what to do.  I would like to stop working but I would feel guilty leaving the kids I take care of.  But then we could go on a real vacation.  He never proposed to me, even that was caused from a fight.  I guess last summer we both realized what needed to change in our marriage.  He hasn’t been bullying my daughter as much.  I’m trying to be everything he could possibly want.  I think that’s why my weight bothers me so much.  I want him to be proud in public.  I don’t want him to be ashamed of how I look.  I still feel like our anniversary will be a farce.  Those vows were broken, he broke the vow he made.

March 20

OK, if you can make them smile and think of you, what’s the harm.  I bought a pair of white lace thong panties and put them in his lunch bag.  He called at 9:45 am after finding them laughing.  I hope it worked.  So far I’ve had two good days of proper eating.  Everyone says I look fine but not in my eyes.  I look in the mirror and I’m repulsed by what I see.  How can my image change so drastically within hours.  I can go from looking at myself and thinking ‘not bad’ to be actually being repulsed, I sense gross, fat, ugly.  

March 21

I like writing when I’m upset, it helps to calm me down.  When I’m elated it’s like telling a friend.  Today is a down slide.  Not for any reason.  He couldn’t be better right now.  The have been great.  I just feel like crying.  Why????  I have no idea.  Part of the symptoms.  Sometimes there is no reason for the sadness.  Sometimes the sadness makes problems though.  That’s the part I hate.  I miss him right now.  I wish he was here just so I could b close and feel safe.  Sometimes I think maybe he has the same feelings.  I don’t think it would be good to say “hey is your head as messed up as mine”.  He almost seemed sad last night in bed.  The sound of his voice, the emotions in his eyes.  It reminded me of how I feel when I think he’s going to leave.  I depend on him so much.  Is it possible to be with someone for so long and no know them at all.  I think so.  I think we were both holding back before.  I’m still feeling shaky right now.  When I hold out my hand it’s trembling.

Some things are still in the dark....

March 11

OK, two good days, this being the second.  I think it will be a while before I stop looking at him and wondering just what he's thinking and if it's good or bad.  I know he loves me or he wouldn't have walked away from her.  I think the bottom line is risk.  I'm afraid to risk being hurt again.  What is life without risk?  I think our relationship is better.  We fight but we resolve the issue and we couldn't do that before.  I was too stubborn, he was always right.  I need to get over my fear and drop the hang up.  I was hurt but I can get past that, right?  He has to live the rest of his life knowing what he did.  Guilt can sometimes be harder.  That's why I don't accuse him.  He still needs to come clean with all the truth. He hasn't done that yet.  A lot of denial still.

March12

Starting to obsess again, about my weight, feeling fat.

March 13

I asked him if he would take some time off when I take my holidays, we've never had holidays together.  Never.  At first he said he couldn't.  I reminded him that he was more than happy to take holidays for her and has never had a holiday with us.  I'm really tired today.  I could fall asleep quite easily.  I wish she would move like she told him she would.  He didn't fall for that one from her.

A sea of swirling insanity....

March 8

He had a Dr. appointment yesterday.  He came home quite late and said nothing.  I asked how the appointment went and he said he had to go back in three months.  His blood pressure was down which was good.  When I asked why he was late he said he went for a drink with his brother.  Do I believe him, no, I just wonder who he really met.  All of a sudden he got a headache last night.  Today all he's done is sleep on the couch.  Also for some reason he's acting like the persecuted one.  I notice when he is mad at me he takes it out on the kids.  I wish he'd realize that his actions will come back to haunt him.  The other woman certainly did.  His parents said they only wanted to see him happy.  Do they care who he hurts to be happy.  Not very good morals  if you ask me.  Very selfish.  There are tales of other spouses in this family screwing around.  I can't confirm or deny because I wasn't there, to me they are tales.  I'm getting that feeling again.  Same as before.  I was right then, am I right again.  He pushes me away and I start to go back into myself, not trusting anyone, keeping thoughts to myself.  Not saying when I've been hurt.  Just allowing it to happen.  I used to feel safe and secure with him.  We may have fought but I knew I was safe and could trust him.  And then came the slap.  I'm in a depression.  I can't seem to get out of the black cloud.  I'm sad all the time, I cry at the drop of a hat.  I have an ache inside that can't be stopped.  I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away.  How fitting the card was he gave, except if this is showing me how much he loves me, I wish he hated me instead.

March 9

He pretty much cornered me this morning.  I blurted out everything that was bothering me.  I'm glad he kept in front of me. I broke.  The rest of the day was so much better.  I wish I wasn't so paranoid.  Maybe it's good that I know how I am and why.  I can at least work with it.  I feel like we've lost more time.  When we're together I wish time would stop.  Sometimes I can't get close enough.  I'm afraid.  But I think I'm getting closer to trusting him.  Our relationship has reached a higher level.  Physically it's better than it's ever been.  Now he know things about me than no one else knows.  Some days though I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I'm still thinking he'll leave if he doesn't get what he wants.

I hate mirrors....

February 26

I thought yesterday was OK but again last night he didn't want me close on the couch or touching him.  This morning he apologized.  Why am I turning him off in bed.  I need to set him down and find out what the problem is. It hurts when he won't talk to me about what's bothering him.  Is it her again, is she somewhere surfacing again.

March 3

The weekend became a right off.  I was edgy and bitchy.  He took offense and became just as upset and we ended up having a horrible weekend.  Sunday brought a change after we'd been apart most of the day.

March 6

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, sick sick sick.  I've had the same migraine since Friday.  Stomach doesn't hurt anymore.  My birthday came and went yesterday.  My daughter bought me a candle and earrings.  My son made me a card with his sister's help.  He brought a cake home late last night.  This headache is in my temple and doesn't seem to be letting up, stress maybe?  

March 7

The head game started again last night.  In bed as usual.  I tried to repeat back to him what I thought he said, the way I understood it.  Each time I got the first word out he started to bark out at me.  After he did it again I stopped and said never mind, what ever it's no concern of mine.  There was no point in me trying.  He asked me to say it and that he would keep quiet but I said no.  I wasn't angry I just didn't want to be talked over when I was trying to talk.  He rolled on to his back and closed his eyes.  I'm not into these games.  I don't initiate sex because the last time he laughed at me and pushed me away.  The head games mess me up.  I don't think he really wants to be here.  I think the novelty has worn off.  He's quick to start something and then pull back completely in bed.

Family can be the cruelest....

February 21

Last night there was some sort of problem.  He didn't want to do anything.  He didn't even try to get close.  For someone who always wanted to be close physically before, there are more times now that he doesn't want to more than he does.  That only tells me one thing, he doesn't want to be intimate....why?  I don't seem to be doing anything right.  The state of the house horrible to him, he calls it a shit hole.  I'm surprised he even wants to be here.  Is there a hole I can crawl into? I don't feel so great today.  I look in the mirror and see a fat and ugly person.  Not much wonder I turn him off.  He's probably only here for the kids and feels sorry for me.  This is such stupid talk.  I wish I could just believe he's not going to hurt me again and get on with my life.  I'm afraid though.  I'm jealous, I'm paranoid, I'm screwed in the head is what I am.

10:45 pm

OK, I'm not feeling so sorry for myself now.  What I need to do is focus on the good and not worry about what might happen.  Oh well if he finds someone else.  I just hope there will be no more lies.  It would be nice if I didn't feel like I was on the verge of tears all the time.

February 22

Woke up in the middle of the night again.  Restless.  Went to bed early to catch up.

9:25pm

What started out as a fairly decent day became not so good.  We went to Paris Kitchens to have a look and stopped at his parents.  While there his mom made the comment that his sister in law was in Florida having a great time with "she who is the other woman" and his sisters.  Yes, you read right, she was included in the family vacation.  I can't get away from that woman.  Why would his mother even think of waving her name in front of me, never mind tell me how much of a wonderful time they are having with her.  It took every ounce of pride I had left in me to smile and not cry.  He knew in the van something was wrong.  When we got home I broke.  I don't look forward to any get together with his family.  I'm sure it won't be the last time she's flaunted in front of me.   They all talk behind each others backs.  How can they feel it's right for them to keep associating with her after what happened.  He cheated on me with her, lied to me and the kids about where he was living.  

February 23

 Not a very good day in one sense.  Something is wrong.  It's 8:30, I'm in bed and he's watching TV.  Even watching the movie he didn't touch me.  He pushed my leg away when it touched his.  Something is wrong.

Am I fooling myself?

February 19

The last few days haven't been too good, have they.  It's strange how other people can influence you.  I was upset with his brother for having him pick up his girlfriend and I took it out on him.  Mind you it wouldn't have taken much to get me blubbering.  Luckily he didn't hear me last night crying in bed.  I know a lot of things are bothering me right now and I'm going to have to talk to him before I explode.   I just hope he is able to listen to it all objectively.  So let's ask this question, what has the past taught me, what have I really learned and am I going to make the same mistake again.  I'm really not sure what I've learned.  "Make the most of every moment", "trust yourself", I don't know.

February 20

In one way I'm starting to come out of the dark spot this month.  I'm still really emotional.  The days seem really long.  And the nights seem too short.  Last Saturday he had to work.  On Sunday he slept most of the day on the couch.  It's strange how I'm turning to the person who hurt me for security, love and a sense of belonging.  I bared my soul to him.

Feeling like I'm in the dark.....

February 18

Today he went to pick up his brothers girlfriend at the airport.  He left after work at 4:15.  It's 8:43 and he's not home.  Her plane came in at 6:15.  In one month it will be a year since we separated.  My nerves aren't doing well.  It's not that I don't trust him.  The bottom line is that he lied to me for so long.  He was deceptive.  I have lost my faith in him.  I don't believe him most of the time and that's sad.  It's not a matter of is he fooling around again.  It's more like will he lie to me or hurt me again and when.  He makes it look like nothing happened  last year.  We aren't even close to being out of the woods yet.  I love him with all my soul.  I still cry everyday.  Most of the time I've been able  to hide it.  The kids have caught me a few times.  It's just like this big black cloud of sadness is always inside me.  In bed I can't stop the thoughts of him with someone else while he's screwing around with my feelings.  I was called the "other woman".  Wanna explain the logic of that one.  How can your wife be called the other woman when she didn't even know about the other one.  She knew about me.  I had no clue she even existed.  I have to admit, he did a nice job of messing my head up.  And yet according to a majority of his family, I am the guilty party.  Again all the lies are what hurt the most.  People being nice to my face and stabbing me in the back when I turn around.  Another point I brought up with him was that in 10 years he never once took holidays with us.  Last year he went to Vegas, up north and the BC with her.  He took time off work to be with her, kind of makes you wonder.  I still don't feel sure enough of myself to talk to him.  I'm afraid.  Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.  It would make the hurt go away. I don't want to cry anymore.  I want someone I can believe and trust with my life, never mind my feelings.  9:05 pm and he just walked in the door. Said the plane was delayed, still going on about the plane being late.  If nothing had gone on why is he going on about the plane.  I feel like he's starting to take the relationship for granted again.  He doesn't realize we're still working on thin ice and at anytime it could break.  I don't really know how long I can go on feeling this way.  It's not fair to anyone.  It all comes from one choice, one lie, one deception, one other woman.

Sometimes they come back....

January 2

Everyone is asking me what he gave me for Christmas and how he liked the dress I got for the party.  It's the most uncomfortable question, I feel stupid because I don't want to tell them, and I certainly am tired of people feeling sorry for me.

January 6

He seemed better this morning.  I still can't help but feel something is going on.  Before he drove away he came back to the house and kissed me.  Maybe I'm just too paranoid.  I feel sad all the time, fear like a cornered rabbit waiting the the fox to pounce and end it all.

January 7

Feel like I'm on the verge of tears.  Wish he was home.  Need the truth no matter what.  Need it to be over, finished.  I want to go forward.  I'm scared, I feel alone.  Getting more migraines, two a week.

January 8

So far so good today.  Tired but otherwise not teary eyed, happy in fact.

January 18

Found out today that she is going south to Florida with his family.  She keeps appearing just when you think things are fine.  Makes you wonder what they are up to.

January 20

Compared to last year the challenges are much harder this year.  I don't really know if I can get over the fact that he lied and cheated, and that his family still keeps her around.  If he knew that all my mind dwells on when we're in bed is him with her I don't think he'd be happy.  My spirit is broken.  I'd like to run away.  I would really like to be someone else.  Maybe I should not have asked him to come back.  Maybe he should have just stayed with her.

Valentines 2009

Happy Valentines to all the young at heart.  My wish for you is that you will always remember what you are feeling at this moment.  The happiness, the joy, free spirit, lighter than air, true love feeling.  Hold on as long as you can and work hard to keep it.  I am at a point where although I am surrounded by many I feel ever so lonely.  Forgotten, taken for granted, not quite as important to remember.  My daughter, who has been away since September with a Katimavik program, came home for the weekend last night.  Her journey took her to British Columbia last September, in January she arrived in Ottawa and her next leg will take her Quebec until June.  It's been very hard having her away.  I wasn't quite ready for the chicks to start leaving the nest.  I found myself depressed at Christmas with the missing component of my family.  It was like having the breath taken from you, it was just not Christmas.  I had her on video cam, but, it was just not the same.  It was great to see her last night.  We picked her up at the Greyhound station in Toronto.  Her 5 hour bus ride turned into a 4 hour ride.  The driver certainly picked up the pace.  She gave Jim and I a box of chocolates to share and the lid was a motorcycle jacket, also she gave me a little angel pin.  Dak is too young yet to really think about Valentines.  I had purchased three tins of chocolate and three hearts filled with chocolate covered strawberries for them.  As well as a card for Jim.  I was a little disappointed that he didn't think about Valentines, nor even wish me a Happy Valentines, this is where feeling lonely while surrounded by many comes in.  I'm trying to have a brighter outlook, trying to not think about it, but, it's difficult.  I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself aren't I.  I feel embarrassed, sad, no anger.  So now is the chore of pretending to be happy, like nothing is wrong, like nothing has happened.  Put a fake smile on, take a breath, lift up my shoulders and try to raise my head.    

A Christmas not to be forgotten....

December 1

He seems distant and not himself.  Getting angry very easily, upset with me very easily.  Yelling at me when I ask what is wrong.

December 3

Another night of him starting with sarcasm.  Even in bed.  I can't help but wonder what he's doing or hiding.

December 4

Left this morning after saying sarcastically,  "see you later, have a nice day".  I'm done running to him. He was the cruel one before when I asked him to leave  He's the one who screwed around behind my back, lied to me and the kids and cheated.  I'm done, I didn't do anything and I won't feel guilty for what he did.

December 6

We talked last night and sorted things out some what.

December9

It feels like our marriage is getting stronger but I have feelings that he may be doing something I won't like when I find out what it is.  I still don't trust him.

December 10

I know it's small but it's huge to me.  He still has her address on his prescriptions.  He said she was the one who changed it at the drug store.  Before I found out about her I was under the impression we were working things out and getting closer.  He was coming here in the mornings before work and she thought he was going to work early.  She would have known if he stayed late at night.  It's making sense to me now and I don't like it.

December 17

I am so excited about Christmas.  Finally a year when we are a real family.

December 24

Went to his sister's for the family get together.  Not bad but not great.  It's almost as though I'm an intruder and they are putting up with me being there.  I don't understand why.  I'm sure the rest of the stories will come out soon.  His parents asked me about not cooking for him,  I think they believed every lie they were told and still do.  He always would go and visit them when I would go grocery shopping, he never took me to visit them.  I don't understand why he wouldn't take me.

December 25

Can it possibly get any worse than last year.  Yes, it did.  He gave me nothing for Christmas.  Not even a card.  There was nothing under the tree for me at all.  What a horrible feeling to come down on Christmas morning and watch everyone else open gifts and have your child ask you why you're not opening anything.  Now I know what's going on.  He has his home back, me doing everything again,  I don't feel loved I feel used.

December 27

Says he's sorry and doesn't know why.  Sure, you don't know why you like to  hurt me and screw my head up just a little more each time, sure you don't know why you screwed around on me but it's my fault.  He is using me and I'm letting him.  I still feel like there is something going on.  I told him exactly how I feel.

December 31

When will I ever learn.  Evening was a disaster.  We went out for New Year's.  He didn't have a good time, wasn't impressed by my dress, or the fact I got my hair and nails done.  I feel stupid, embarrassed, exposed, uncomfortable.

A spiral down.

November 4

Here we are back at Monday again.  As usual I find myself missing him.  Our relationship is so fresh that I'm afraid it may be lost.  Some days I find myself wrapped up in the fear that he's seeing someone else or he's not where he says he is.  Blind faith is what I'm trying to have but it's hard after the lies he told from March to September.  I'm afraid to be away from him but I don't want to smother him.  He has become so much a part of my world that if anything happened to him I wouldn't be able to go on.  Never mind a part of my world, he is my world.

November 5

Today was a better day.  As usual though he was home late.  A bit of a pattern going on here.  I wonder if he really is working or if he is some where else.  Pretty much every Tuesday he's late.  Plus making fun of me has started again.  Getting what he wants in bed sure does keep him happy.  Does he really love me though.  I'm not sure I could handle the truth though.

November 6

OK, today I am on the verge of tears.  This is not a good day at all.  I know November 3 is the day my dad passed away.  Is that what is building up.  Is that what's making everything else more unbearable.  Do I tell him the crazy thoughts that fly through my head.  Do I tell him I feel like I"m going crazy.  He's trying so hard and he's been great since he came back is this the insane world you go into when someone lies and cheats on you.

November 7

He ended up working in Toronto instead of Elmira.  Busy traffic kept him late.  Feeling more normal today.  Not as emotional or self hating.  It's a good thing I don't rant at him like that.  If anything it would drive him away.  When I look back at what I wrote I don't understand why I felt that way.  I don't have very high self esteem but how could I think he doesn't love me.  I think a lot of it had to do with my dad.  I miss him. He's been gone 11 years.

November 9

We took the kids to a movie, I bought a new stove.  The other stove only had one burner working and the oven never got hot enough.  I got tired of it.

November 10

More blocked calls came through on the phone today.  No one was there when I answered.  I used to get hang ups when we were separated.  It stopped when he came back but now it's starting up again.  I got call display, but whoever it is the number is blocked.  Coincidence?

November 11

I think it's safe to say the slump is over.  I'm feeling much better today.

November 12

Over a month till Christmas and I have almost all the shopping done.  Last year two weeks before Christmas I had no gifts, no money and a marriage in need of help.  My mom had to loan me money.

November 19

Almost one week of sanity.  Today I felt like head was going to explode.  The usual thoughts about him with her, telling me he loved me and missed me but then going home to her.  Every one knowing but me and the kids, the lies, how many other lies I don't know about are there.  How was he approaching her even before we separated.  Just who set them up I wonder.....

November 20

Last night he caught me crying.  I couldn't stop or talk.  It hurts so bad knowing the truth of the separation, what went on, how I looked like such a fool.  I trusted him completely.

November 21

He phone during the day to see how I was.

November 26

I'm starting to come to terms with the situation.  He is not interested in her.  So he says.... The hard part is that he said a lot of hurtful things that turned out to be lies.  Very hurtful lies.  I don't want to trust him again and find out he's telling lies again.  I'm quite messed up in the head.  I feel ugly, fat and undesirable.

November 27

I feel the time for letting go is near.  I would like to put my fears to rest once and for all and believe he loves me for who I am.  I'm still afraid to eat and when I do I fell guilty.

November 28

I hate her for using him.  For giving him his dream bike and then taking it away.  I hate her for ruining my child's birthday.  I hate what he did to me.  I hate the fact that he brought an unwanted person into my life.

November 29

Last night I was able to tell him some of my fears.  He doesn't understand but he didn't react negatively either.

One step forward, two steps back....

October 1

We have hit the one month mark.  Everything has been wonderful.  We're able to talk.  He really does seem happy to be home.  I've been having panic attacks.   I haven't told him though.  I think that if he's not happy he's going to leave.  Sometimes I feel like I can't get close enough.  I'm sleeping better now.  But I do wake up to make sure he's still there.

October 12

We all went to the fair.  It's so nice being a family again.  Everything feels new.

October 15

Form came in the mail questioning the sale of the Harley.  Can't seem to get away from her.

October 16

He has been getting more and more sarcastic with us.  Things came to a head tonight.  We talked, it was good to clear the air and talk about our feelings.

I find this next week to be tough in respect to doubting myself, my abilities, my self-worth.  I look in the mirror and hate what I see.  I wish I could hide.  I don't want people looking at me.  I don't want him to see me naked in case it turns him off.  He doesn't like overweight women, he said she was overweight and it turned him off.  If I get fat he'll leave.  I'm so hungry but I don't want to eat too much and get fat.

What am I doing?

September 1

I have been physically sick with the thought of what has gone on the past six months.  He left this morning, said he was going to work and going to get his clothes from her house.  I keep feeling like he's going to call and say that he would rather be with her, that he doesn't really want to be here that he was only using me.  Now that the truth is out he doesn't need to be afraid of me finding out.  She is a lotto 649 winner, she has the money to buy him anything he wants, she can take him places, I can't offer that at all.

September 2

He came home.  He's really home.  Maybe he really means what he says.  He walked away from the money, a new Harley Davidson she bought him.  But D told me that his dad said she was fat.  He told me he wasn't attracted to her at all and that caused a few things to go wrong in that department.  She apparently didn't do anything physically for him.  That is not the man I know, even a bottle of alcohol wouldn't dampen anything physically for him.  I really hope he couldn't because that is not a vision I want to live with, him with another woman.  Is it possible he's using me though?  Does he really love me, does he really want to be here or does it suit his purpose.  Was he getting tired of her and started sleeping with me again.  I think it would be very easy for me to lose my mind and go crazy right about now.

September 9

He's been home for a week now.  I missed him so much.  I hope he really does mean everything he says.  The kids are happy to have their dad back.  I get nervous when we're apart.  I think he may want someone else and not me.  I love to look at him.

September 11

He said she dropped off clothes, shoes and a watch with his brother.  I felt like he was hiding something all night, he was edgy, sharp, he said that was all and I didn't believe it.  He got mad at me but I kept pushing, I was right there was more.  She wrote a letter and sent pictures.  The letter said if he had any regrets she would be there for him.  He could go back to her, she was waiting.  He ripped up the letter, I put it back together and kept it....it may be needed in the future.  Why is he still telling me lies about her.

September 14

We went out for dinner and a movie for his birthday.  It was nice just the two of us.

September 26

Found out she only changed the bike ownership yesterday out of his name.  I pushed him into contacting her to find out if she did or not.  

September 27

She called to say the insurance wouldn't cancel as he had to contact them and cancel it.  I went into the insurance office and explained the situation told them I was his wife.  The girl there  said no problem and cancelled the insurance for me.  I called her after and told her that they cancelled it for me so she could go ahead and do whatever she wanted now with the bike.  I don't think she was happy to hear from me or hear that they cancelled the insurance for me.....his WIFE!

Now it all makes sense.....

August 12

I've been off for two weeks.  He comes and sees the kids or calls.  We're getting closer.  Things are getting better.

August 14

He came by in the morning before he went to work.

August 15

Here again in the morning before work.

August 16

This is becoming a habit, here again before work.

August 18

We took the kids to the zoo again.  I asked him again about the clothes and aftershave.  He is definitely hiding something.  Says he doesn't have a girlfriend.  I hope he's not using me.  Maybe this is all too good to be true.

August 19

Came by before work.

August 20

Came by before work.

August 21

Came by before work.

August 23

Came by before work.

August 25

We all went to Elora Gorge, Churchill Park and China Sails for dinner.

August 26

Came by before work.

August 31

R's birthday.  Family party for her here.  A great day until the phone rang.  All hell broke loose with a late night phone call.  He's been living with someone else the entire time, not his brother but another woman.  When he left here he moved in with her.  She told me that he was approaching her while he still lived here, which would explain the nights he never came home and the late nights.  She said she told him he had to break it off with me first before she would have him.  Apparently he told her I kicked him out of the bedroom and I never cooked for him or did anything in the house.  Boy was I a fool.  He doesn't love me or the kids, he's been covering his own ass this whole time.  I told him he comes home and we work on the relationship or I'll see him in court.  He came home and stayed the night.

Changes

July 1

He came and took the kids to Paris to see the parade today.

July 3

He said he has a lawyer appointment on Friday.  I'm scared, I miss him, and he tells me he still loves me.  I wish it could be more without having it hurt so much.

Is he trying to scare me into something, says he loves me and then in the same breath he is seeing a lawyer.

July 7

He spent the whole day here.  It was nice.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to go back to the yelling and hurting each other or the kids.

July 9

Received the letter from the lawyer today, wow that was fast, he said he was just going to talk.  It was very fair and honest.  I accepted the offer and faxed back my response.  I cried for a long time after.  I can't sleep at night, can't think straight.  I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up.  It hurts too much.

July 10

He phoned and said he'd be by tomorrow.

July 11

He came by at 7 pm.  I didn't tell him yet I got the letter and I sent my reply.

July 14

He took D to a movie.  After we all went mini golfing and had dinner out.  I showed him the letter I received from the lawyer.  He wasn't happy.  He said he didn't approve it to be sent.  He was also shocked I replied so quickly.

July 17

It seems like we're attempting to reconcile.

July 21

We all went to the zoo.  D was stung by a wasp near the eye.  We held hands all day, even bought a family membership to the zoo.   Is he coming back, what's going on?  I asked him in the truck jokingly if he had a girlfriend yet or something and he said no.  Something still doesn't seem right, he's getting a lot of new stuff and the places he's been going.  Doesn't make sense.

July 22

I've been very emotional today.  I do love him very much and miss him.  We met at 6 pm for coffee.

July 23

He came and picked up D in the dump truck.  Came back and had dinner with us after work.

July 24

Came by tonight, said he's going to stay late.  That's odd, he never will stay late, says he has to get home.  I'm confused, I don't know what to do, what I want.

He stayed and I lost it emotionally.  We talked a little, nothing is resolved.  I told him it was all or nothing, something is going on, he's holding back.  Said he'd call tomorrow, it was nice to have the person I love holding me.

July 25

He didn't call.  I'm glad I didn't give in.  I guess there was only one thing he wanted last night.  How could I have been so stupid to think maybe he really does love me.  I'm glad nothing happened.

Just jumping in here....

February 5, 2009

Just jumping in here, I'm having an awesome day.  You know it's one of those days when you think it's going to go downhill but everything just falls into place and goes right.  For me, being a shift worker, this is my Friday night.  Now you think ugh, 11 - 7, nope not tonight.  The boss says we can come in early and work 7 - 3.  That's great!  Because tomorrow night is the Company Christmas party.....confused, don't be.  In December we had a major storm which cancelled the doo.  Everyone was so sad, so the company rescheduled.  Now I said things looked bad, OK, let me explain.  I have an 07 300 and lately it's been causing me woes, we are in a deep freeze right now here in Ontario, -26 on the way home this morning, my thermostat isn't working which means I have no heat in my vehicle which also chooses to squeal like a little piglet.  So in she goes to the dealer at 9 am.  I lay down at 9:30 and get the call at 1 pm.  They have to keep it in, but the thermostat is replaced, but the starter won't work now, ????????, OK, now my question is, why did you unplug the starter, their  answer to test it, now I know I'm female and I know I don't have mechanical aptitude for vehicles, but why would you unplug the starter to test the car when you're changing the thermostat and checking the belt for the squeal.  They couldn't answer me but they also couldn't provide me with a vehicle for work.  My new dilemma, I could get to work at 7 pm but not home at 3 am.  OK, so I email my boss.   Woo hoo, work to the rescue, not a problem, they will leave a taxi voucher for me at the security shack and I will have a warm and toasty ride home.  I love my job.  I love my boss, I love the world today, lol.  It's cold outside but the sun is shining so that's a good thing.  And like I said, this is Friday for me.......nough said.

Something is not right....

June 1

Family party for D's birthday.  His dad seemed very uncomfortable.

June 2

He didn't come by because he was here yesterday.   D was upset.  Said he'd come tomorrow.

June 3

He came by to see D.  

June 6 

D hasn't seen or heard from his dad since Monday.

June 8

He phoned D and said he would visit tomorrow.

June 9

He came by and took D to a party for his friend.  We talked a little.  I miss him but something just doesn't seem right.

June 10

Dare graduation for R.  He came to see her.

June 12

Came and took D to watch his friend perform gymnastics.

June 16

Came and took D to see movie, Scooby Doo.

June 23

Came to see D today, haven't heard from him or seen him all week long.  D was upset.

June 27

He phoned and left a message to find out how the kids last day of school went.

June 28

D phoned his dad but got no answer.

June 30

D finally got a hold of his dad.  He'd gone up north with one of the guys.  He wasn't coming to visit.  D was upset.

Some things stay the same...

May 1

We invited him to come to the school open house.

May 2

He phoned D.

May 5

Came and took D out for the whole day.

May 8

He phoned D.

May 12

R and D made me breakfast in bed for mothers day.  R had Nana help her buy a candle and a holder as their gifts to me.  D said daddy didn't help them do anything.  He came and took D for the day.

May 14

D fell at school.  Called him to let him know D was hurt.  He came by after work and said he would come by again on Thursday.

May 15

He called D to see how he was feeling.

May 16

He didn't show or call like he said.  D was upset.

May 19

Came and took D to a Spider man movie.

May22

Came by to see D.

May 26

D had a party to go to.  He picked him up and took him to the party and brought him home again.

May 29

Came by to see D.

Changes....

April 3

D called his dad after dinner.

April 4

He came by and took the kids out.  Bought D a computer game and R a music CD for Easter.

April 7

Came and took D out in the morning then came back and hung around the house for the rest of the time.

April 9

Van needed new tires.  He paid for them and arranged for the van to go in.

April 10

D upset today, called his dad.  He came by to see him.

April 11

He was supposed to come over.  Didn't show or call.  D very upset.

April 13

I've noticed he has some new clothes and new aftershave.  He left most of his clothes here.  The money he's taken out of the account couldn't possibly have paid for those things.  I was asked if he's seeing someone.  I don't think so.  He wouldn't do that to me.  He still tells me he Love's me.  Who knows maybe the  separation will help us.

April 14

He took D  out for the day.  D wanted him to come back after dinner but he said he couldn't.

April 19

He came by the house to see D.

April 21

Came and took D out.  R is feeling very left out.  He hasn't taken her anywhere or even asked her if she'd like to go.

April 23

Phoned D.  Said he would come by tomorrow.

April 24

Came for a visit.  Mentioned about seeing a lawyer in order to get a legal separation underway.  Told him OK.

April 27

Phoned, talked to R then talked to D.

April 28

Came to the house at 9:30 am, picked up D and took him out for lunch.  When they came back he stayed for awhile, had dinner here.  I miss him.

April 30

I had to call him.  Nana's sump pump quit, her whole basement was flooded.  What a mess.  He came by to fix the sump pump for her.

How much longer....

February 22

I told him again today that it was over.  I think it would be best for him to talk to the kids.  

February 24

Gave him a note asking him to keep me informed when he was going to tell the kids and the choice of having me there or not.

March 2

He hasn't said anything to the kids or me.  I don't know what his plans are.

March 5

He bought me a birthday gift.  I have only received one other birthday gift from him.   The last time was after he left also.  It was 1994.  Pretty sad when I can count how many times I have received a gift.

March 8

Still isn't saying anything to the kids and me about moving.  In the last few months he has gone out late at night and not come home a couple of times.  He did that also when we were first together.  He has never said where he was or who he was with.  

March 10 

He told the kids he'd be moving.  D asked when and where, he said in a week or so but didn't know where.  D was very upset.  Hysterical actually.  D yelled at his dad angrily, I told D that he wasn't leaving because he wanted to but because I asked him to.  He was going to take the blame from D and not say anything.  I couldn't let D think he didn't want to be here.  Because R smiled he started yelling at her and saying he was glad she was happy.  Wow, why shouldn't she be happy, he won't be here to yell at every little thing she does or says.  I know I made the right decision.

March 11

He tried rehashing over everything again.  How many times do I have to say I want a separation before he believes me.  He is still defensive, he was so angry with R because she smiled on Sunday, what does he expect after five years of being yelled at.

March 13

Although the separation means financial stress I'm ready for it.  He said he will help with the mortgage and stuff.  My family doubts it, I believe him.  I don't think he would do anything nasty that way.

March 16

He went out late.  D asked when he would be back and he said later.  Didn't come home again.

March 17 

Came home at 7:30 pm packed some clothes and said he was staying at his brothers.  Left after D went to bed.  Said he would call on Monday and give D a phone number.  Odd, we already know his brothers number, why do we need a cell number to get a hold of him.

March 18

Didn't phone, D upset.

March 19

Phoned at 6:15 pm and gave D a cell number.  Why a cell number, said he'd come by tomorrow D is happy.

March 20

Called at 8:15 pm to see if D was still up.  Came to house at 8:30 and packed some more clothes.  Left at 9:30, good visit, gave kids a chocolate bar.

March 21

D told me his dad said he would be going to Las Vegas for the weekend for a construction convention with his brother.

March 25

Came by for an hour with shirts from Vegas for the kids.

March 27

Phoned and talked with the kids.

March 31

Came by and picked up D, they went out.

Thanksgiving and Christmas 2001

Thanksgiving

Final blow up.  He was mad at her because she drew a picture in the frost on the van window.  Final straw for me.  I said "I think we should separate", I've never been more afraid in my life, afraid of what the future held, afraid of what would happen, where would we live, what would I do for money, how could I afford this.  I just can't allow any more yelling at R.

Christmas

Not great.  I bought myself some gifts and put them under the tree from the kids.  Had no money and had to borrow it from my mom.  Two weeks ago I had nothing for Christmas, he attempted to buy nothing.  Mom loaned me the money so there would be gifts under the tree for everyone.  He did thank me for making it a good Christmas Day.  I'm drained.  I feel like there is nothing left in me.  It's too late for talking, it's too late for saying thank you.  It just too late....

The final straw.

It was thanksgiving.  He was upset because one of the children drew a picture in the frost on the van window.  Who am I kidding, you know who it was, it was my daughter.  That was the straw that broke the camels back for me.  Out of my mouth came the words...he didn't know what to say at first.  So October I made the decision but it would take time to have it happen.  He had come to me a few times asking if that was what I really wanted.  He thought we should talk about it, my response was that the time for talking was over.  I'd tried to talk before but it never got us anywhere.  No, I wanted a separation.  I really wanted him to see what was going on, how the children were affected by our constant fighting and that it wasn't healthy for any of us.  The were a few nights he didn't come home, or he would go out late.  With all of the problems we had I still trusted him completely.  I would have trusted him with my life.  I had reached a point though where I felt I no longer loved him.  I tried to remember what it felt like before.  The excitement of the work day ending, knowing in only a few hours we would be together, but, that had been lost.  I cared still about his well being, however I didn't feel love  any longer.  Between that October and the following March I asked a few times when he would be leaving and when he was going to tell the kids.  The answer was always the same, he didn't know.  I didn't feel it would be fight for me to just go and blab it to them without him knowing.  I might be a bitch but I'm not one to hurt someone intentionally.  From this point on you will read everything as I wrote it in my journal, exactly how I felt and exactly what happened.  After we'll return to this form for the rest of the story, as the saying goes.

Married life...

One year into the marriage we had a son together.  He was happy he had a son, I was happy I was able to give him a son.  Years had passed with problems growing until he chose to be physically separated in the house.  I slept upstairs, he slept downstairs.  There was no conversation.  He worked late, I would feed the kids and busy myself with them.  He has a very short fuse and a loud voice.  The fuse seemed shorter with my daughter.  He seemed to expect her to act like an adult.  No matter what she did it never seemed to be good enough for him.  The house was called a shit hole, the word stupid was often used when yelling at my daughter.  He was never physically abusive but the mental abuse was worse.  Personally I'd rather someone hit and get it over and done with.  Words cut like a knife, they dig their way into your soul and push you down deeper every time they pop back into your head.  Half the time he didn't even remember what he said.  The tension could have been cut with a knife.  Then came the day I said "I think we should separate".  It was a shock to him and a load off my shoulders.  That statement said volumes.  It verified the problems in the relationship, it said that neither of us was happy and it was light at the end of the tunnel for me.  I remember the day well.......

Blind isn't the word...

Our relationship started as I said with a blind date.  When life was good it was heaven.  When it was bad, it was hell.  You're probably asking yourself what made the bad times, probably a bit on both sides.  Okay, yes it was both sides, I'm stubborn, I won't be threatened and I won't take orders.  I march to the beat of my drum.  Plus I had a two year old daughter, no one was  allowed to treat her wrong as far as I was concerned.  He had admitted jealousy regarding the time I spent with her.  That's where the little boy in him came out.  I was an adult student returning to college with a child in a new relationship.  He was a grown man, no children of his own.  Life was not quite settled the way he wanted it to be.  Throw the two together and what have you got....  Somewhere between a volcano and sinking sand. I always felt as though I was on the defense.  After all, I was the one with the child to take care of, make sure she was fed, clothed, had a roof over her head.  I took my responsibility very seriously.  He had only himself to worry about and wanted me available at a moments notice.

After the fights he would go off on his motor bike.  A good idea, certainly one way to calm down.  Fights were never settled though, problems were never discussed.  My feelings never heard.  His common response was to leave and live somewhere else.  During the last separation I felt that this was not the way to continue, he needed to commit or it was over.  Don't groan, here it comes......so we decided to get married.  The ceremony was simple.  His parents, my mom and my brothers who snuck in.  They weren't included but they couldn't stay away either.  None of his siblings had been invited so it put me in a very awkward position when my two brothers showed up. The only thing that stands out about that day was a remark made to my mom,  'I hope it works this time', my mom found the  statement odd, yet looking back to me it makes sense.  The statement came from someone who knew him much better than I did.

To leave or stay...

The day came when he returned from BC.  I was so happy to see him.  The only thing weighing on my mind was what will his choice be.  Stay or go?  I suppose it's obvious his choice was to stay or I wouldn't be writing this.  Although he chose to stay I felt that he thought he was missing something by staying.

Being older than me, he had been in other long term relationships, a marriage, a common law relationship and a short term.  All had their own disaster occur.  Hearts were broken, feelings crushed.  I'm sure it was on both sides and not just his.  I only get to hear his point of view, so really that's not fair is it?  When the story is the same for each break up you begin to wonder.  Just really who was doing what?

When you strip away the ego underneath you find someone who resembles more of an innocent child than a grown man.  Someone who has feelings and really doesn't want to hurt anyone.  But how do you make that person understand that the things they do and say hurt.  Revenge is not an option.  To remain in a relationship takes love, trust, working together and looking out for each other.  You never stop trying to make a relationship work.  It's a daily chore like brushing your teeth.  If you stop one day then stuff starts to build up.

Just yell at me when I get off topic, lol, I have a habit of doing that reader.

OK, I'm not here to lecture or tell you how to have a relationship.  I'm here to tell you about what went wrong in ours.  How it was handled and where we are now.  A lot of times you feel like you're the only one going through all the emotions, but you're not.  The degree of emotions felt may vary but in the end it's all the same for everyone.  The main meat of this tale is in journal form  You'll read exactly how I felt and what went on.  From sanity to insane, I felt that I was at the opening of hell and then whisked away only to find myself back again with more challenges I hadn't expected.

The Date.....

We talked for hours.  He felt familiar.  I didn't want to hang up that night.  There was something about him.  It felt warm, comforting, exciting.  Saturday arrived and I was a bundle of nerves.  It had been a year since I'd dated anyone and I had a two year old to protect.  I wasn't about to let someone into her life only to toss it about.  I told him to meet me in front of the other apartment complex.  I lived in the one behind.  Thinking I would be smart and go out early to be waiting, I found someone was smarter than me.  When I turned the corner there he was, standing with his back towards me.  I couldn't help but look at his long tanned legs.  For 42 he was in excellent shape.  Don't forget, on our first meeting I didn't look at him....this was the first glimpse of my future I was getting.  He was standing beside the motorcycle, I said hello and when he turned my heart melted.  He took off his sunglasses and smiled.  The first thing that caught my attention and held me there were his blue eyes.  I had chosen to wear blue jeans and a simple shirt.  He was in shorts and a t-shirt.  I was later to learn that my friend, who was supposed to be joining us with her boyfriend, had cancelled.  So now we have two couples.  The day was wonderful though.  We drove to Port Dover and finished the day off at his sister's home in the hot tub with drinks.  Was the night over for us....no...it was to continue long into the early hours.  Have you ever not wanted to say good bye to someone because you feared you may not see them again?  There was something about him.  I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to go home.  I just wanted to stay in his arms.  It felt safe, warm and wonderful.

Now don't go getting your hopes up here reader.  What appears to be a fairy tale ending, love at first sight, is not.  Well, it possibly was love at first sight but with blinders.  It could have been a fairy tale ending but there would have to be sacrifices.  It's not my nature to "do as I'm told", or, "listen and obey".  I'm stubborn, I'll be the first to admit that.  But, my stubbornness only raises it's nasty little horns when I'm being bulldozed or forced to agree to something I definitely do not agree with.  

That being said let's move on.....

From the first night we never parted, literally.  A month into our meeting he told me he was going to BC for two weeks with his brother.  He was planning on moving there.  I was crushed.  I had thought I'd finally found Mr Right.  It was absolute anguish waiting for him to return.  I had never missed anyone so much.  I was eager for him to return and tell me his decision.

Was he leaving Ontario to BC........what was his decision going to be?  How was it going to affect me?

Day One

Our relationship was a whirlwind.  I was 29 and he was 42.  We met and never parted.  That's not fair of me to only put it in three sentences so I'll elaborate.

(But I'm going to leave details that mean nothing out)  It was a blind date.  I know, I wanted to run away too.  That conjures up nightmares doesn't it?  It wasn't your typical blind date.  There would be three couples total going for a motorcycle ride on a beautiful day.  I had made my position very clear that I was in no way interested in anything more than being company for him.  He was the same.  Neither of us wanted a relationship as both had been hurt in the past.  My main objective was to get on the back of that motorbike and have a great day, come home and be done.  His sister arranged for us to meet for coffee before the impending day.  I couldn't tell you what he looked like because I never raised my eyes to look at him.  He offered to buy my coffee but I, being a strong female, refused because "I can buy my own".  Never owe anyone was my motto.  The straw that broke the camel's back was the night he called to let me know what I should wear on the Saturday.

The Beginning

Sometimes the beginning is where you need to go back to in order to understand what is going on today, so that's what we shall do.....go back to the beginning.

You enter this world a small, defenseless infant, looking to others for warmth, love and support.  As you grow the world becomes larger, more mysterious and exciting.  Still you look for love.  From the moment you were born there seemed only to be one purpose, to find someone to love and have them love you in return.  A fairy tale ending...life is not a fairy tale.  It is a mystery, a thriller, a comedy.  It is a journey that will take you to the pits of hell and the heights of heaven.  Somewhere in the middle there will be moments of sanity, normalcy, perhaps even an instant of thinking you've figured it out.  But have you?

The search to find someone who makes you feel wonderful, whether you've just woke up or you're dressed to the nines, at times it feels heart wrenching.  Are they out there?  Do they exist?  Could there be someone who would make you feel young at heart, not a care in the world...could there be?  Could you be so lonely to allow someone to walk all over you, take advantage, break your heart?  Yes, they are out there.  And yes, your heart will be broken many times.  And yes, you will allow someone to walk all over you.  But it won't last forever and you may just learn a thing or two.

This blog is about a journey.  A journey to hell, heaven and finding that fairy tale endings do exist, or do they?

It was not my intention to find a fairy tale ending.  I felt that all I needed was to remove my children and myself from the atmosphere of anger, resentment, humiliation and degradation.  I prayed to God daily to help make the right choices.  I sent emails to Christian programs on TV asking for prayer for my family.  Sometimes miracles do happen.  Sometimes they don't.  God chooses to work those miracles in the way he sees fit.  Sometimes he even gives us what we didn't know we wanted.  If I had been in charge of the master plan I know I wouldn't have organized it the way he did.  But, God does have his reasons.  Looking back, I see that now.  As for the fairy tale ending, not what I had planned, but, what I found out I really wanted.