Friday, January 30, 2009

Thanksgiving and Christmas 2001

Final blow up.  He was mad at her because she drew a picture in the frost on the van window.  Final straw for me.  I said "I think we should separate", I've never been more afraid in my life, afraid of what the future held, afraid of what would happen, where would we live, what would I do for money, how could I afford this.  I just can't allow any more yelling at R.

Not great.  I bought myself some gifts and put them under the tree from the kids.  Had no money and had to borrow it from my mom.  Two weeks ago I had nothing for Christmas, he attempted to buy nothing.  Mom loaned me the money so there would be gifts under the tree for everyone.  He did thank me for making it a good Christmas Day.  I'm drained.  I feel like there is nothing left in me.  It's too late for talking, it's too late for saying thank you.  It just too late....

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The final straw.

It was thanksgiving.  He was upset because one of the children drew a picture in the frost on the van window.  Who am I kidding, you know who it was, it was my daughter.  That was the straw that broke the camels back for me.  Out of my mouth came the words...he didn't know what to say at first.  So October I made the decision but it would take time to have it happen.  He had come to me a few times asking if that was what I really wanted.  He thought we should talk about it, my response was that the time for talking was over.  I'd tried to talk before but it never got us anywhere.  No, I wanted a separation.  I really wanted him to see what was going on, how the children were affected by our constant fighting and that it wasn't healthy for any of us.  The were a few nights he didn't come home, or he would go out late.  With all of the problems we had I still trusted him completely.  I would have trusted him with my life.  I had reached a point though where I felt I no longer loved him.  I tried to remember what it felt like before.  The excitement of the work day ending, knowing in only a few hours we would be together, but, that had been lost.  I cared still about his well being, however I didn't feel love  any longer.  Between that October and the following March I asked a few times when he would be leaving and when he was going to tell the kids.  The answer was always the same, he didn't know.  I didn't feel it would be fight for me to just go and blab it to them without him knowing.  I might be a bitch but I'm not one to hurt someone intentionally.  From this point on you will read everything as I wrote it in my journal, exactly how I felt and exactly what happened.  After we'll return to this form for the rest of the story, as the saying goes.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Married life...

One year into the marriage we had a son together.  He was happy he had a son, I was happy I was able to give him a son.  Years had passed with problems growing until he chose to be physically separated in the house.  I slept upstairs, he slept downstairs.  There was no conversation.  He worked late, I would feed the kids and busy myself with them.  He has a very short fuse and a loud voice.  The fuse seemed shorter with my daughter.  He seemed to expect her to act like an adult.  No matter what she did it never seemed to be good enough for him.  The house was called a shit hole, the word stupid was often used when yelling at my daughter.  He was never physically abusive but the mental abuse was worse.  Personally I'd rather someone hit and get it over and done with.  Words cut like a knife, they dig their way into your soul and push you down deeper every time they pop back into your head.  Half the time he didn't even remember what he said.  The tension could have been cut with a knife.  Then came the day I said "I think we should separate".  It was a shock to him and a load off my shoulders.  That statement said volumes.  It verified the problems in the relationship, it said that neither of us was happy and it was light at the end of the tunnel for me.  I remember the day well.......

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Blind isn't the word...

Our relationship started as I said with a blind date.  When life was good it was heaven.  When it was bad, it was hell.  You're probably asking yourself what made the bad times, probably a bit on both sides.  Okay, yes it was both sides, I'm stubborn, I won't be threatened and I won't take orders.  I march to the beat of my drum.  Plus I had a two year old daughter, no one was  allowed to treat her wrong as far as I was concerned.  He had admitted jealousy regarding the time I spent with her.  That's where the little boy in him came out.  I was an adult student returning to college with a child in a new relationship.  He was a grown man, no children of his own.  Life was not quite settled the way he wanted it to be.  Throw the two together and what have you got....  Somewhere between a volcano and sinking sand. I always felt as though I was on the defense.  After all, I was the one with the child to take care of, make sure she was fed, clothed, had a roof over her head.  I took my responsibility very seriously.  He had only himself to worry about and wanted me available at a moments notice.
After the fights he would go off on his motor bike.  A good idea, certainly one way to calm down.  Fights were never settled though, problems were never discussed.  My feelings never heard.  His common response was to leave and live somewhere else.  During the last separation I felt that this was not the way to continue, he needed to commit or it was over.  Don't groan, here it we decided to get married.  The ceremony was simple.  His parents, my mom and my brothers who snuck in.  They weren't included but they couldn't stay away either.  None of his siblings had been invited so it put me in a very awkward position when my two brothers showed up. The only thing that stands out about that day was a remark made to my mom,  'I hope it works this time', my mom found the  statement odd, yet looking back to me it makes sense.  The statement came from someone who knew him much better than I did.

Friday, January 23, 2009

To leave or stay...

The day came when he returned from BC.  I was so happy to see him.  The only thing weighing on my mind was what will his choice be.  Stay or go?  I suppose it's obvious his choice was to stay or I wouldn't be writing this.  Although he chose to stay I felt that he thought he was missing something by staying.
Being older than me, he had been in other long term relationships, a marriage, a common law relationship and a short term.  All had their own disaster occur.  Hearts were broken, feelings crushed.  I'm sure it was on both sides and not just his.  I only get to hear his point of view, so really that's not fair is it?  When the story is the same for each break up you begin to wonder.  Just really who was doing what?
When you strip away the ego underneath you find someone who resembles more of an innocent child than a grown man.  Someone who has feelings and really doesn't want to hurt anyone.  But how do you make that person understand that the things they do and say hurt.  Revenge is not an option.  To remain in a relationship takes love, trust, working together and looking out for each other.  You never stop trying to make a relationship work.  It's a daily chore like brushing your teeth.  If you stop one day then stuff starts to build up.
Just yell at me when I get off topic, lol, I have a habit of doing that reader.
OK, I'm not here to lecture or tell you how to have a relationship.  I'm here to tell you about what went wrong in ours.  How it was handled and where we are now.  A lot of times you feel like you're the only one going through all the emotions, but you're not.  The degree of emotions felt may vary but in the end it's all the same for everyone.  The main meat of this tale is in journal form  You'll read exactly how I felt and what went on.  From sanity to insane, I felt that I was at the opening of hell and then whisked away only to find myself back again with more challenges I hadn't expected.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Date.....

We talked for hours.  He felt familiar.  I didn't want to hang up that night.  There was something about him.  It felt warm, comforting, exciting.  Saturday arrived and I was a bundle of nerves.  It had been a year since I'd dated anyone and I had a two year old to protect.  I wasn't about to let someone into her life only to toss it about.  I told him to meet me in front of the other apartment complex.  I lived in the one behind.  Thinking I would be smart and go out early to be waiting, I found someone was smarter than me.  When I turned the corner there he was, standing with his back towards me.  I couldn't help but look at his long tanned legs.  For 42 he was in excellent shape.  Don't forget, on our first meeting I didn't look at him....this was the first glimpse of my future I was getting.  He was standing beside the motorcycle, I said hello and when he turned my heart melted.  He took off his sunglasses and smiled.  The first thing that caught my attention and held me there were his blue eyes.  I had chosen to wear blue jeans and a simple shirt.  He was in shorts and a t-shirt.  I was later to learn that my friend, who was supposed to be joining us with her boyfriend, had cancelled.  So now we have two couples.  The day was wonderful though.  We drove to Port Dover and finished the day off at his sister's home in the hot tub with drinks.  Was the night over for was to continue long into the early hours.  Have you ever not wanted to say good bye to someone because you feared you may not see them again?  There was something about him.  I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to go home.  I just wanted to stay in his arms.  It felt safe, warm and wonderful.
Now don't go getting your hopes up here reader.  What appears to be a fairy tale ending, love at first sight, is not.  Well, it possibly was love at first sight but with blinders.  It could have been a fairy tale ending but there would have to be sacrifices.  It's not my nature to "do as I'm told", or, "listen and obey".  I'm stubborn, I'll be the first to admit that.  But, my stubbornness only raises it's nasty little horns when I'm being bulldozed or forced to agree to something I definitely do not agree with.  
That being said let's move on.....
From the first night we never parted, literally.  A month into our meeting he told me he was going to BC for two weeks with his brother.  He was planning on moving there.  I was crushed.  I had thought I'd finally found Mr Right.  It was absolute anguish waiting for him to return.  I had never missed anyone so much.  I was eager for him to return and tell me his decision.
Was he leaving Ontario to BC........what was his decision going to be?  How was it going to affect me?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Day One

Our relationship was a whirlwind.  I was 29 and he was 42.  We met and never parted.  That's not fair of me to only put it in three sentences so I'll elaborate.
(But I'm going to leave details that mean nothing out)  It was a blind date.  I know, I wanted to run away too.  That conjures up nightmares doesn't it?  It wasn't your typical blind date.  There would be three couples total going for a motorcycle ride on a beautiful day.  I had made my position very clear that I was in no way interested in anything more than being company for him.  He was the same.  Neither of us wanted a relationship as both had been hurt in the past.  My main objective was to get on the back of that motorbike and have a great day, come home and be done.  His sister arranged for us to meet for coffee before the impending day.  I couldn't tell you what he looked like because I never raised my eyes to look at him.  He offered to buy my coffee but I, being a strong female, refused because "I can buy my own".  Never owe anyone was my motto.  The straw that broke the camel's back was the night he called to let me know what I should wear on the Saturday.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Beginning

Sometimes the beginning is where you need to go back to in order to understand what is going on today, so that's what we shall do.....go back to the beginning.

You enter this world a small, defenseless infant, looking to others for warmth, love and support.  As you grow the world becomes larger, more mysterious and exciting.  Still you look for love.  From the moment you were born there seemed only to be one purpose, to find someone to love and have them love you in return.  A fairy tale is not a fairy tale.  It is a mystery, a thriller, a comedy.  It is a journey that will take you to the pits of hell and the heights of heaven.  Somewhere in the middle there will be moments of sanity, normalcy, perhaps even an instant of thinking you've figured it out.  But have you?

The search to find someone who makes you feel wonderful, whether you've just woke up or you're dressed to the nines, at times it feels heart wrenching.  Are they out there?  Do they exist?  Could there be someone who would make you feel young at heart, not a care in the world...could there be?  Could you be so lonely to allow someone to walk all over you, take advantage, break your heart?  Yes, they are out there.  And yes, your heart will be broken many times.  And yes, you will allow someone to walk all over you.  But it won't last forever and you may just learn a thing or two.

This blog is about a journey.  A journey to hell, heaven and finding that fairy tale endings do exist, or do they?

It was not my intention to find a fairy tale ending.  I felt that all I needed was to remove my children and myself from the atmosphere of anger, resentment, humiliation and degradation.  I prayed to God daily to help make the right choices.  I sent emails to Christian programs on TV asking for prayer for my family.  Sometimes miracles do happen.  Sometimes they don't.  God chooses to work those miracles in the way he sees fit.  Sometimes he even gives us what we didn't know we wanted.  If I had been in charge of the master plan I know I wouldn't have organized it the way he did.  But, God does have his reasons.  Looking back, I see that now.  As for the fairy tale ending, not what I had planned, but, what I found out I really wanted.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Picking Up The Pieces

Little girls dream of fairy tale weddings and knights in armor to save them...not the wicked witches that are out there wanting to snatch the dream.

What do you do when you find out a lie has been your reality for 6 months. You find out what you believe is getting better, is only going to have the bottom drop out because of one simple phone call. A marriage separation, both working towards a reconciliation, then the phone rings and you find out he's been living with another woman since the day he moved out....
Automatically you hold your breath, or has the breath been sucked out of you. You feel as though you're standing on the edge ready to fall off at any moment. Surely this can't be real, it must be a dream. This is not how life is supposed to be, this is not how things happen, especially to me. This was not what we were planning, talking about, working towards.
Who was this woman, where did she come from, how did she enter the picture period. And the children, how hurt will they be, will they believe it.
The heartache is real, the reality of the future now sits before me......where do I go, what do I do, how do I handle this.