The calm before the storm…went out to the shop to pick up his cheque. While we were there I started gathering up his pay stubs to bring in the house rather than leave laying in the truck. I saw a brand new wallet. I asked him when he started carrying one and when he got it. At first he said it wasn’t his. It had his ID in it. He became very curt with me when I asked if she bought it for him. I didn’t say very much after he barked at me. He was in the wrong last year but I feel as though I’m the one being punished still. It’s as though I don’t have a right to question things. I still feel as though he’s holding back and not telling the truth. He said after to me ”you don’t have much to say”, well neither did he. The wallet smelled very new to have been bought a year ago, you know that fresh leather smell. Why is the truth so hard to tell. Why bother doing something if you have to lie about it? If she is still hounding him, why is he afraid to tell me, and look for my support if he is not doing anything to encourage her?
Why did he really come back? Maybe she threw him out so he pretended to come back because he wanted to. Maybe she didn’t want him there when she found out what he was doing. How much longer can I go on feeling paranoid. I am very nervous out in public now, I don’t feel safe or secure.
I can’t sleep. Too much is going through my mind. What does the future hold. More heartache, lies, deception. I’m afraid of what is in store for me. I can’t seem to get it right. What did I do so bad to deserve this. Am I being tested to see how much I can take before I lose it completely. My stomach is doing circles. All I ever asked for was the truth. I feel stuck. I went from a marriage going no where to a cheating spouse. There was no break, I feel degraded, cheap and worthless.
I just finished writing a note to him. I told him I feel like he’s holding back, not telling me everything. I said I feel deceived and need answers to my questions. I don’t know how he’ll take it, yes I do, who am I fooling. He’s going to blast at me. He’ll get defensive and become angry, I hope he just comes clean and tells the whole truth.
The note only came up today because I asked him about it. He says the wallet has been there the whole time. He says he bought it she didn’t. He says he didn’t deny it was his when I first asked about it. So, I’m going crazy. I’ve lost it. I’m psycho. Seeing and hearing things. He didn’t want to discuss it either. Tonight in bed all of a sudden he blurted out “come on, get it off your chest, I know you want to say something”, I shouldn’t be made to feel like the guilty party but I do. I came downstairs because I don’t want to argue with him, now he’s mad because I did. I’ve had hardly any sleep the past two nights, I’m tired. He came down the stairs and said “what’s your problem”. I told him I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m the guilty party. He asked me how long I’ve felt this way. He has not been listening to a word I have said at all.
Life really sucks, we just spent the last two hours talking and got no where. I knew he wouldn’t take my thoughts well. He does not understand one bit. I heard a few zingers tonight….”I don’t even want to have sex with you”, “maybe it’s your fault my family doesn’t like you, I’ve seen you at functions, you can’t handle anything”, ” I’ll sleep on the couch again and just go back to how it was before”, “I don’t know how to approach you”. I knew it was a mistake to write the note. He took everything wrong and now things are worse than before. I really don’t know what to do now. I can’t live that way. I really don’t want to go to any functions with his family. I don’t think he could handle what I have had to deal with. He said he should never have come back here that it was a mistake. He thinks he should have rented a room somewhere to decide what he wanted instead of coming back here. Perfect, tell me you love me you miss me, go home to another woman but rent a room to see what you want. Maybe he’s right. Maybe he should never have come back.