I'm trying...

March 13

Last Saturday I almost lost it completely.  It doesn’t matter what started it, the fact is I almost went over the edge.  He and I in a round about way talked and he helped me by listening.  I yelled at the kids.  I was able to let him know how I felt.  From our talk in the parking lot the rest of the day and the weekend ended up better.  This has been a fairly tough week.  Last night it was 8:30 when he got home from work and his back still hurts.  I wish we could be lucky and win some money.  Then we could move and he could have a Harley, he could have a heated work shop.  I don’t know what to do.  I would like to stop working but I would feel guilty leaving the kids I take care of.  But then we could go on a real vacation.  He never proposed to me, even that was caused from a fight.  I guess last summer we both realized what needed to change in our marriage.  He hasn’t been bullying my daughter as much.  I’m trying to be everything he could possibly want.  I think that’s why my weight bothers me so much.  I want him to be proud in public.  I don’t want him to be ashamed of how I look.  I still feel like our anniversary will be a farce.  Those vows were broken, he broke the vow he made.

March 20

OK, if you can make them smile and think of you, what’s the harm.  I bought a pair of white lace thong panties and put them in his lunch bag.  He called at 9:45 am after finding them laughing.  I hope it worked.  So far I’ve had two good days of proper eating.  Everyone says I look fine but not in my eyes.  I look in the mirror and I’m repulsed by what I see.  How can my image change so drastically within hours.  I can go from looking at myself and thinking ‘not bad’ to be actually being repulsed, I sense gross, fat, ugly.  

March 21

I like writing when I’m upset, it helps to calm me down.  When I’m elated it’s like telling a friend.  Today is a down slide.  Not for any reason.  He couldn’t be better right now.  The have been great.  I just feel like crying.  Why????  I have no idea.  Part of the symptoms.  Sometimes there is no reason for the sadness.  Sometimes the sadness makes problems though.  That’s the part I hate.  I miss him right now.  I wish he was here just so I could b close and feel safe.  Sometimes I think maybe he has the same feelings.  I don’t think it would be good to say “hey is your head as messed up as mine”.  He almost seemed sad last night in bed.  The sound of his voice, the emotions in his eyes.  It reminded me of how I feel when I think he’s going to leave.  I depend on him so much.  Is it possible to be with someone for so long and no know them at all.  I think so.  I think we were both holding back before.  I’m still feeling shaky right now.  When I hold out my hand it’s trembling.