Friday, February 27, 2009

A sea of swirling insanity....

March 8
He had a Dr. appointment yesterday.  He came home quite late and said nothing.  I asked how the appointment went and he said he had to go back in three months.  His blood pressure was down which was good.  When I asked why he was late he said he went for a drink with his brother.  Do I believe him, no, I just wonder who he really met.  All of a sudden he got a headache last night.  Today all he's done is sleep on the couch.  Also for some reason he's acting like the persecuted one.  I notice when he is mad at me he takes it out on the kids.  I wish he'd realize that his actions will come back to haunt him.  The other woman certainly did.  His parents said they only wanted to see him happy.  Do they care who he hurts to be happy.  Not very good morals  if you ask me.  Very selfish.  There are tales of other spouses in this family screwing around.  I can't confirm or deny because I wasn't there, to me they are tales.  I'm getting that feeling again.  Same as before.  I was right then, am I right again.  He pushes me away and I start to go back into myself, not trusting anyone, keeping thoughts to myself.  Not saying when I've been hurt.  Just allowing it to happen.  I used to feel safe and secure with him.  We may have fought but I knew I was safe and could trust him.  And then came the slap.  I'm in a depression.  I can't seem to get out of the black cloud.  I'm sad all the time, I cry at the drop of a hat.  I have an ache inside that can't be stopped.  I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away.  How fitting the card was he gave, except if this is showing me how much he loves me, I wish he hated me instead.

March 9
He pretty much cornered me this morning.  I blurted out everything that was bothering me.  I'm glad he kept in front of me. I broke.  The rest of the day was so much better.  I wish I wasn't so paranoid.  Maybe it's good that I know how I am and why.  I can at least work with it.  I feel like we've lost more time.  When we're together I wish time would stop.  Sometimes I can't get close enough.  I'm afraid.  But I think I'm getting closer to trusting him.  Our relationship has reached a higher level.  Physically it's better than it's ever been.  Now he know things about me than no one else knows.  Some days though I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I'm still thinking he'll leave if he doesn't get what he wants.

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