Down in the dumps....

April 23

Let’s just call it a down mood.  Too much thinking.  All the negative feelings I tried to shut the door on are slipping through.  It’s getting harder to hide it.  Yesterday they noticed I was on the verge of tears again.  Major feeling of “I’m not the only one in his life”.  I’m not the only one of anything.  He’s done so much more with others and I’ve done nothing.  We don’t really share anything other than a son.  That’s the thing no one else has done for him.  I had been feeling better but then he made a comment about what an ex did sexually.  He told me none of them did, so another lie.  He’s totally into new positions all of a sudden.  Why?????  I think he slept with her, he said he didn’t, said he couldn’t, I think he lied.  He just doesn’t want to admit it.  Too many doubts about everything.  I wish he would just tell the truth.  I would never think of blurting out something I did with someone else.  That’s inconsiderate.  I don’t feel very special to him.  Trying to ditch these feelings, I guess that’s why I write instead of talking.  I keep these thoughts to myself.  The best way to get them out is to write.  Then I don’t hurt his feelings and he doesn’t get defensive.  I’m sure he realizes the directions of my thoughts.

afternoon

Feeling better now.  It’s not the greatest place to be when you’re so unsure of things.  I guess yesterday and today I’m just really unsure of where I stand in his life.  I want to believe him but I feel like I can’t. I’m embarrased by my appearance, I feel fat.  Sometimes I just feel like running away.  I’ve been quite emotional again lately.  I cry easily.  My feelings are hurt.  Just walking on a tightrope again.  It really does mess up lives when you screw around.  I hate how you hurt me and the kids, I hate the depth of pain you caused.  I don’t want to look at him.  The other weekend when talked about intimacy with his ex it pushed me back.  I’m not interested in how she did it and what she did.