Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The calm before the storm…went out to the shop to pick up his cheque. While we were there I started gathering up his pay stubs to bring in the house rather than leave laying in the truck. I saw a brand new wallet. I asked him when he started carrying one and when he got it. At first he said it wasn’t his. It had his ID in it. He became very curt with me when I asked if she bought it for him. I didn’t say very much after he barked at me. He was in the wrong last year but I feel as though I’m the one being punished still. It’s as though I don’t have a right to question things. I still feel as though he’s holding back and not telling the truth. He said after to me ”you don’t have much to say”, well neither did he. The wallet smelled very new to have been bought a year ago, you know that fresh leather smell. Why is the truth so hard to tell. Why bother doing something if you have to lie about it? If she is still hounding him, why is he afraid to tell me, and look for my support if he is not doing anything to encourage her?
Why did he really come back? Maybe she threw him out so he pretended to come back because he wanted to. Maybe she didn’t want him there when she found out what he was doing. How much longer can I go on feeling paranoid. I am very nervous out in public now, I don’t feel safe or secure.
I can’t sleep. Too much is going through my mind. What does the future hold. More heartache, lies, deception. I’m afraid of what is in store for me. I can’t seem to get it right. What did I do so bad to deserve this. Am I being tested to see how much I can take before I lose it completely. My stomach is doing circles. All I ever asked for was the truth. I feel stuck. I went from a marriage going no where to a cheating spouse. There was no break, I feel degraded, cheap and worthless.
I just finished writing a note to him. I told him I feel like he’s holding back, not telling me everything. I said I feel deceived and need answers to my questions. I don’t know how he’ll take it, yes I do, who am I fooling. He’s going to blast at me. He’ll get defensive and become angry, I hope he just comes clean and tells the whole truth.
The note only came up today because I asked him about it. He says the wallet has been there the whole time. He says he bought it she didn’t. He says he didn’t deny it was his when I first asked about it. So, I’m going crazy. I’ve lost it. I’m psycho. Seeing and hearing things. He didn’t want to discuss it either. Tonight in bed all of a sudden he blurted out “come on, get it off your chest, I know you want to say something”, I shouldn’t be made to feel like the guilty party but I do. I came downstairs because I don’t want to argue with him, now he’s mad because I did. I’ve had hardly any sleep the past two nights, I’m tired. He came down the stairs and said “what’s your problem”. I told him I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m the guilty party. He asked me how long I’ve felt this way. He has not been listening to a word I have said at all.
Life really sucks, we just spent the last two hours talking and got no where. I knew he wouldn’t take my thoughts well. He does not understand one bit. I heard a few zingers tonight….”I don’t even want to have sex with you”, “maybe it’s your fault my family doesn’t like you, I’ve seen you at functions, you can’t handle anything”, ” I’ll sleep on the couch again and just go back to how it was before”, “I don’t know how to approach you”. I knew it was a mistake to write the note. He took everything wrong and now things are worse than before. I really don’t know what to do now. I can’t live that way. I really don’t want to go to any functions with his family. I don’t think he could handle what I have had to deal with. He said he should never have come back here that it was a mistake. He thinks he should have rented a room somewhere to decide what he wanted instead of coming back here. Perfect, tell me you love me you miss me, go home to another woman but rent a room to see what you want. Maybe he’s right. Maybe he should never have come back.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I phoned him on Wednesday at noon. We both agreed we didn’t want to be fighting. He did apologize for what he said. My daughter left to go to the cabin with my brother and niece for the week.
Good day, took our son to the African Lion Safari. Yesterday I was in a strange bummed mood. I wasn’t hungry. He was going on about motorbikes again. I think he feels cheated.
Reserved camping sites for our vacation. Yes he has agreed to take time off work to vacation with us. First family vacation in 8 years.
We survived. Not a bad drive to Collingwood. Power was out at campsite from 1 - 6 pm. Had a fire, set up tents. Slept pretty good. The caves were neat. Kids had fun. Went to Wassaga beach on way home. I’m feeling in a distant mood. Almost like it’s too good to be true. He was OK. Happy. Maybe it’s because it’s August and that’s when world shattered last year. One good thing, I quit smoking last year…. June 20, 2002, 2:20 pm. It’s been over a year. So there is one good thing that has come out of all this, right?
Monday, March 23, 2009
He is still upset and so am I. It seems like he’s slowly chipping away at any sense of self worth I have left. I never imagined I would react this way. I never imagined there would be a day where there was no fight left in me. I hate the way I look. If he wants to leave I’ll open the door for him. He blames me for losing the bike she bought for him. So many words from so many people still haunt me. Him saying getting involved with me was a mistake. Now this last one. He didn’t even stand up to her when she wrecked my daughter’s birthday party. Things just don’t seem to be working out very well. He gets angry, I get upset. Right now this is the worst since September. I don’t know if we can survive the effect of his cheating. It seems to have added problems too. I don’t throw it in his face, in fact we don’t even talk about it. We chose to try and move on. How do you forget and move on though. Some days I’m suspicious. Why I don’t know. I feel defeated and ready to turn and walk away. I couldn’t live through giving him another chance. I feel like building a high wall is the only way I’ll survive. He’s starting to get angrier with me now. He ignores the kids. I’m not sleeping well at night, I toss and turn.
The tension is so evident. I don’t know what to do or say. How do you set aside pain. How do you close your mind and heart to it. Is it fair of him to expect me to. How long does it take to get over heartache and how could it hurt so much. I don’t know what he’s thinking and I’m afraid to ask. I don’t want to argue anymore or fight or have misunderstandings. Again I don’t know how we’ll get back to where we were.
Last night he asked very curtly how we were going to fix this. My answer was simply I don’t know. He didn’t sound too happy because I took the opening message off his phone. He asked me if I didn’t love him anymore. Right now I’m still very hurt. Loving someone doesn’t come to mind and that’s sad. He made a comment the other week that I have found curious. He said that before we split up he was depressed. Congratulations, so was I. I still am. It didn’t just go away when I found out my husband was with another woman and telling me lies. It didn’t just go away whe I found out he was sneaking over here in the morning to be with me and telling her lies. He never stayed late while he lived with her, I know why, she would have figured it out. I feel worse now. I’m more paranoid, she said I was the other woman. I am still having the panic attacks. I’m ready to throw in the towel. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. He builds me up and then he drops me. He’s getting angry over small things and I don’t understand why. Maybe he’s looking for a way out and is using fighting for an excuse. He’ll either use this to say he’s leaving because we’re not getting along instead of the truth that he just doesn’t want to be here. The kids heard the whole fight. The front door was open and the neighbors heard every word he yelled at me. His anger explodes out of nowhere.
Nothing has changed. I don’t understand how he could get so angry and say such hurtful things. I think it may be time to bring out all the questions I have. It’s time to close the chapter and try to move on. I don’t even know how to approach the topic because he’ll just explode at me.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Things are not better and are starting to revert back to the way they were. I had a panic attack on Sunday, my husband and daughter were butting heads. He was ranting and raving, because I didn’t yell at her also I was being yelled at by him.
Today has not been good. It’s been like walking on a tight rope. That ache was back in my eye last night. Things felt strained between us this morning. We went and bought ceiling fans and all hell broke loose because I didn’t understand why or see the reason for leaving an elastic band around the glass. Because it didn’t seem right in my head I kept asking about it. He got upset. He started yelling at me, I said I wasn’t going to work with him if he was going to yell at me, his response, fuck you. I hate working with him because he makes me feel stupid when I don’t understand something. He has never said that to me before though. The way he said it just sucked the air right out of me. The same way it sucked the air out when I heard on the phone “my name is Pat and he’s been living with me since he left on March 17″. I don’t feel so good right now. The ache that is inside me feels like it’s in my throat choking me. A hard lump. Why is it wrong if you don’t understand something to keep asking and talking about it until you do.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Today I’m on the edge of a cliff. I seem to be ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I’ve tried to crawl as far inside myself as I possibly can. It keeps the tears away and I can’t be hurt either. He’s been apologetic but I don’t buy it. Everytime he says something mean or sarcastic it hurts deeper. I wish I could crawl into the shadow in a corner.
June 3 my son’s birthday
My husbands parents phoned to say they were coming over. I had a panic attack. He had told me so much that the house was a shit hole that I’m ashamed when people come in. I can’t get it clean enough.
The last few days have been quite sad. On Friday June 6 both my cats were put to sleep. Our wedding anniversary is coming up, I hope the day is at least tolerable.
I’m a little detached. Tomorrow is Friday 13th. He’ll want to go to Port Dover but he has no bike, and I’m working. I’m so sick of hearing about Harley Davidson bikes. He almost drools over them. I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. I’ve got that feeling again that something is going on.
June 16 Fathers day
The day started out good but went downhill. I asked him to sign the card I got for his dad for father’s day. I found out at his parents house that he signed his name and sealed the envelope, again never included me. I was so embarrassed at his parents house his mom opened the card and proceeded to show me the gifts and cards everyone gave my father in law. He seems to be setting me up for failure with his parents. So I was the only name missing on cards, I played second fiddle to the other woman last year, this year I’m not good enough to add on the card. He made all the comments in the past and excluded me and I was blamed for it. I felt like an outsider. He made me feel unwelcome. I sat outside away from the group. Better than being in the same room and ignored. Some days I think it hurts so badly because it’s the person I love with all my heart hurting me. Over and over again. I always guarded myself in the past so I wouldn’t be vulnerable. Yet the one person I thought I could trust betrayed me and continued to stab me in the back.
June 18 Our anniversary
I put a card in his lunch bag. He brought home a card and roses. I took a picture because I don’t know if this will ever happen again
(Author’s note, it was a good thing a picture was taken because it has not occurred now in 7 years, remember gifts were only received if he had done something wrong and felt guilty)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I’m beginning to feel numb, I feel like distance is coming between us. Maybe it’s because nothing has really been resolved. We just go back together and that was it. None of my questions were answered, I don’t even know how to approach him to talk about any of this. Any time I have tried to talk he gets defensive. I’m afraid. Sometimes feeling nothing helps you melt into the background. It still hurts inside though.
He went out for coffee. That’s unusual for him. I don’t think he’ll respond well to any of my questions. I just want to close the book and be done. I want closure. That’s all. I don’t know how to get closure I’m ashamed to tell anyone what happened and why I’m so messed up. I was so certain he was different. I was sure he would never cheat on me. I would have bet my life on it. The faith and trust I had, it’s all gone. He said his ex’s all cheated on him. Maybe it was the other way around and he is denying that. I feel more alone than I did before. I find my behavior is becoming compulsive. I get pains in my stomach, easily confused, emotional, not able to think straight. I know the doctor would send me to a therapist and put me on pills for depression. I don’t have time to go and talk to someone, I don’t even have the money to do that, and I don’t like pills. I think writing has helped quite a bit. It’s given me an outlet. Plus I could write what ever and not hurt anyones feelings. Everyones a winner right? I wish, I feel like I’m cornered just waiting for the next blow. Where will it come from and when. I wish I could put away all these feelings in a bag and throw them away.
Good long weekend. Drove around, went to the zoo, fireworks. Went to my dad’s grave site. I said goodbye.
Picked up the helicopter pictures. Ran into his parents, invited them for breakfast.
Said he didn’t have to start work until 8, but was going to get up at 6:30 and head over. When I asked why so early he became defensive and said he’d just tell his brother he couldn’t work on Saturday. It’s raining right now, for two days he’s be vague and defensive. My sense of security is gone. Deja vu. From past experience this is how he acts when he’s covering a lie.