Thursday, January 29, 2009

The final straw.

It was thanksgiving.  He was upset because one of the children drew a picture in the frost on the van window.  Who am I kidding, you know who it was, it was my daughter.  That was the straw that broke the camels back for me.  Out of my mouth came the words...he didn't know what to say at first.  So October I made the decision but it would take time to have it happen.  He had come to me a few times asking if that was what I really wanted.  He thought we should talk about it, my response was that the time for talking was over.  I'd tried to talk before but it never got us anywhere.  No, I wanted a separation.  I really wanted him to see what was going on, how the children were affected by our constant fighting and that it wasn't healthy for any of us.  The were a few nights he didn't come home, or he would go out late.  With all of the problems we had I still trusted him completely.  I would have trusted him with my life.  I had reached a point though where I felt I no longer loved him.  I tried to remember what it felt like before.  The excitement of the work day ending, knowing in only a few hours we would be together, but, that had been lost.  I cared still about his well being, however I didn't feel love  any longer.  Between that October and the following March I asked a few times when he would be leaving and when he was going to tell the kids.  The answer was always the same, he didn't know.  I didn't feel it would be fight for me to just go and blab it to them without him knowing.  I might be a bitch but I'm not one to hurt someone intentionally.  From this point on you will read everything as I wrote it in my journal, exactly how I felt and exactly what happened.  After we'll return to this form for the rest of the story, as the saying goes.

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