Wednesday, March 18, 2009

May 16

I’m beginning to feel numb, I feel like distance is coming between us.  Maybe it’s because nothing has really been resolved.  We just go back together and that was it.  None of my questions were answered, I don’t even know how to approach him to talk about any of this.  Any time I have tried to talk he gets defensive.  I’m afraid.  Sometimes feeling nothing helps you melt into the background.  It still hurts inside though.

8:30 pm

He went out for coffee.  That’s unusual for him.  I don’t think he’ll respond well to any of my questions.  I just want to close the book and be done.  I want closure.  That’s all.  I don’t know how to get closure  I’m ashamed to tell anyone what happened and why I’m so messed up.  I was so certain he was different.  I was sure he would never cheat on me.  I would have bet my life on it.  The faith and trust I had, it’s all gone.  He said his ex’s all cheated on him.  Maybe it was the other way around and he is denying that.  I feel more alone than I did before.  I find my behavior is becoming compulsive.  I get pains in my stomach, easily confused, emotional, not able to think straight.  I know the doctor would send me to a therapist and put me on pills for depression.  I don’t have time to go and talk to someone, I don’t even have the money to do that, and I don’t like pills.  I think writing has helped quite a bit.  It’s given me an outlet.  Plus I could write what ever and not hurt anyones feelings.  Everyones a winner right?  I wish, I feel like I’m cornered just waiting for the next blow.  Where will it come from and when.  I wish I could put away all these feelings in a bag and throw them away.

May 20

Good long weekend.  Drove around, went to the zoo, fireworks.  Went to my dad’s grave site.  I said goodbye.

May 22

Picked up the helicopter pictures.  Ran into his parents, invited them for breakfast.

May 31 

Said he didn’t have to start work until 8, but was going to get up at 6:30 and head over.  When I asked why so early he became defensive and said he’d just  tell his brother he couldn’t work on Saturday.  It’s raining right now, for two days he’s be vague and defensive.  My sense of security is gone.  Deja vu.  From past experience this is how he acts when he’s covering a lie.

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