Thursday, February 12, 2009

A spiral down.

November 4
Here we are back at Monday again.  As usual I find myself missing him.  Our relationship is so fresh that I'm afraid it may be lost.  Some days I find myself wrapped up in the fear that he's seeing someone else or he's not where he says he is.  Blind faith is what I'm trying to have but it's hard after the lies he told from March to September.  I'm afraid to be away from him but I don't want to smother him.  He has become so much a part of my world that if anything happened to him I wouldn't be able to go on.  Never mind a part of my world, he is my world.

November 5
Today was a better day.  As usual though he was home late.  A bit of a pattern going on here.  I wonder if he really is working or if he is some where else.  Pretty much every Tuesday he's late.  Plus making fun of me has started again.  Getting what he wants in bed sure does keep him happy.  Does he really love me though.  I'm not sure I could handle the truth though.

November 6
OK, today I am on the verge of tears.  This is not a good day at all.  I know November 3 is the day my dad passed away.  Is that what is building up.  Is that what's making everything else more unbearable.  Do I tell him the crazy thoughts that fly through my head.  Do I tell him I feel like I"m going crazy.  He's trying so hard and he's been great since he came back is this the insane world you go into when someone lies and cheats on you.

November 7
He ended up working in Toronto instead of Elmira.  Busy traffic kept him late.  Feeling more normal today.  Not as emotional or self hating.  It's a good thing I don't rant at him like that.  If anything it would drive him away.  When I look back at what I wrote I don't understand why I felt that way.  I don't have very high self esteem but how could I think he doesn't love me.  I think a lot of it had to do with my dad.  I miss him. He's been gone 11 years.

November 9
We took the kids to a movie, I bought a new stove.  The other stove only had one burner working and the oven never got hot enough.  I got tired of it.

November 10
More blocked calls came through on the phone today.  No one was there when I answered.  I used to get hang ups when we were separated.  It stopped when he came back but now it's starting up again.  I got call display, but whoever it is the number is blocked.  Coincidence?

November 11
I think it's safe to say the slump is over.  I'm feeling much better today.

November 12
Over a month till Christmas and I have almost all the shopping done.  Last year two weeks before Christmas I had no gifts, no money and a marriage in need of help.  My mom had to loan me money.

November 19
Almost one week of sanity.  Today I felt like head was going to explode.  The usual thoughts about him with her, telling me he loved me and missed me but then going home to her.  Every one knowing but me and the kids, the lies, how many other lies I don't know about are there.  How was he approaching her even before we separated.  Just who set them up I wonder.....

November 20
Last night he caught me crying.  I couldn't stop or talk.  It hurts so bad knowing the truth of the separation, what went on, how I looked like such a fool.  I trusted him completely.

November 21
He phone during the day to see how I was.

November 26
I'm starting to come to terms with the situation.  He is not interested in her.  So he says.... The hard part is that he said a lot of hurtful things that turned out to be lies.  Very hurtful lies.  I don't want to trust him again and find out he's telling lies again.  I'm quite messed up in the head.  I feel ugly, fat and undesirable.

November 27
I feel the time for letting go is near.  I would like to put my fears to rest once and for all and believe he loves me for who I am.  I'm still afraid to eat and when I do I fell guilty.

November 28
I hate her for using him.  For giving him his dream bike and then taking it away.  I hate her for ruining my child's birthday.  I hate what he did to me.  I hate the fact that he brought an unwanted person into my life.

November 29
Last night I was able to tell him some of my fears.  He doesn't understand but he didn't react negatively either.

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