Thursday, March 19, 2009

Celebrations have lost their happiness...

June 1

Today I’m on the edge of a cliff.  I seem to be ready to cry at the drop of a hat.  I’ve tried to crawl as far inside myself as I possibly can.  It keeps the tears away and I can’t be hurt either.  He’s been apologetic but I don’t buy it.  Everytime he says something mean or sarcastic it hurts deeper.  I wish I could crawl into the shadow in a corner.

June 3 my son’s birthday

My husbands parents phoned to say they were coming over.  I had a panic attack.  He had told me so much that the house was a shit hole that I’m ashamed when people come in.  I can’t get it clean enough.

June 9

The last few days have been quite sad.  On Friday June 6 both my cats were put to sleep.  Our wedding anniversary is coming up, I hope the day is at least tolerable.

June 12

I’m a little detached.  Tomorrow is Friday 13th.  He’ll want to go to Port Dover but he has no bike, and I’m working.  I’m so sick of hearing about Harley Davidson bikes.  He almost drools over them.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to react.  I’ve got that feeling again that something is going on.

June 16 Fathers day

The day started out good but went downhill.  I asked him to sign the card I got for his dad for father’s day.  I found out at his parents house that he signed his name and sealed the envelope, again never included me.  I was so embarrassed at his parents house his mom opened the card and proceeded to show me the gifts and cards everyone  gave my father in law.  He seems to be setting me up for failure with his parents.  So I was the only name missing on cards, I played second fiddle to the other woman last year, this year I’m not good enough to add on the card.  He made all the comments in the past and excluded me and I was blamed for it.  I felt like an outsider.  He made me feel unwelcome.  I sat outside away from the group.  Better than being in the same room and ignored.  Some days I think it hurts so badly because it’s the person I love with all my heart hurting me.  Over and over again.  I always guarded myself in the past so I wouldn’t be vulnerable.  Yet the one person I thought I could trust betrayed me and continued to stab me in the back.

June 18 Our anniversary

I put a card in his lunch bag.  He brought home a card and roses.  I took a picture because I don’t know if this will ever happen again

(Author’s note, it was a good thing a picture was taken because it has not occurred now in 7 years, remember gifts were only received if he had done something wrong and felt guilty)

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