Monday, March 9, 2009

Somedays I hate being me...

April 21

It started out rocky, a few hurtful words.  But in the end sunday and saturday turned out ok.  He worked hard on the deck.  He didn’t want to which is what started the problem.  I feel like I don’t know where I stand with him.  Even though things are great all around.  I just don’t know where I stand.  Would he walk away if something better came along?  Is he truly committed this time?  I’m not too secure yet.  It was a good Easter weekend.

April 22

This is quite a year for change.  Last sunday he took us to a friends house for a helicopter ride.  The kids loved it.  Everything is getting better but I’m finding myself becoming jealous.  I didn’t before.  I’m not sure why the change.  The situation with her really messed me up a lot.  I know now that at anytime he could turn to someone else no matter how much he loves me.  It doesn’t do much for the ego knowing that.  All I can do is hope he wont’.  It’s almost like I’m hanging from the thread and he’s at the bottom saying let go I’ll catch you.  I’m afraid to let go completely, I want to trust him but something is blocking me.  I can’t quite put my finger on the reason.  That’s probably why I’m still writing.  Tonight my mood has really gone downhill.  Something he said to me on sunday has been nagging at me.  He mentioned something secually that an ex did that I don’t do.  I know I’m not giving him what he wants now.  He’s probably comparing me to her everytime in bed.  He probably only settled for me. I wonder if there was someone else that both her and I don’t know about.  During the separation his sexual choices changed dramatically.

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