Last night there was some sort of problem. He didn't want to do anything. He didn't even try to get close. For someone who always wanted to be close physically before, there are more times now that he doesn't want to more than he does. That only tells me one thing, he doesn't want to be intimate....why? I don't seem to be doing anything right. The state of the house horrible to him, he calls it a shit hole. I'm surprised he even wants to be here. Is there a hole I can crawl into? I don't feel so great today. I look in the mirror and see a fat and ugly person. Not much wonder I turn him off. He's probably only here for the kids and feels sorry for me. This is such stupid talk. I wish I could just believe he's not going to hurt me again and get on with my life. I'm afraid though. I'm jealous, I'm paranoid, I'm screwed in the head is what I am.
OK, I'm not feeling so sorry for myself now. What I need to do is focus on the good and not worry about what might happen. Oh well if he finds someone else. I just hope there will be no more lies. It would be nice if I didn't feel like I was on the verge of tears all the time.
Woke up in the middle of the night again. Restless. Went to bed early to catch up.
What started out as a fairly decent day became not so good. We went to Paris Kitchens to have a look and stopped at his parents. While there his mom made the comment that his sister in law was in Florida having a great time with "she who is the other woman" and his sisters. Yes, you read right, she was included in the family vacation. I can't get away from that woman. Why would his mother even think of waving her name in front of me, never mind tell me how much of a wonderful time they are having with her. It took every ounce of pride I had left in me to smile and not cry. He knew in the van something was wrong. When we got home I broke. I don't look forward to any get together with his family. I'm sure it won't be the last time she's flaunted in front of me. They all talk behind each others backs. How can they feel it's right for them to keep associating with her after what happened. He cheated on me with her, lied to me and the kids about where he was living.
Not a very good day in one sense. Something is wrong. It's 8:30, I'm in bed and he's watching TV. Even watching the movie he didn't touch me. He pushed my leg away when it touched his. Something is wrong.