A sea of swirling insanity....

March 8

He had a Dr. appointment yesterday.  He came home quite late and said nothing.  I asked how the appointment went and he said he had to go back in three months.  His blood pressure was down which was good.  When I asked why he was late he said he went for a drink with his brother.  Do I believe him, no, I just wonder who he really met.  All of a sudden he got a headache last night.  Today all he's done is sleep on the couch.  Also for some reason he's acting like the persecuted one.  I notice when he is mad at me he takes it out on the kids.  I wish he'd realize that his actions will come back to haunt him.  The other woman certainly did.  His parents said they only wanted to see him happy.  Do they care who he hurts to be happy.  Not very good morals  if you ask me.  Very selfish.  There are tales of other spouses in this family screwing around.  I can't confirm or deny because I wasn't there, to me they are tales.  I'm getting that feeling again.  Same as before.  I was right then, am I right again.  He pushes me away and I start to go back into myself, not trusting anyone, keeping thoughts to myself.  Not saying when I've been hurt.  Just allowing it to happen.  I used to feel safe and secure with him.  We may have fought but I knew I was safe and could trust him.  And then came the slap.  I'm in a depression.  I can't seem to get out of the black cloud.  I'm sad all the time, I cry at the drop of a hat.  I have an ache inside that can't be stopped.  I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away.  How fitting the card was he gave, except if this is showing me how much he loves me, I wish he hated me instead.

March 9

He pretty much cornered me this morning.  I blurted out everything that was bothering me.  I'm glad he kept in front of me. I broke.  The rest of the day was so much better.  I wish I wasn't so paranoid.  Maybe it's good that I know how I am and why.  I can at least work with it.  I feel like we've lost more time.  When we're together I wish time would stop.  Sometimes I can't get close enough.  I'm afraid.  But I think I'm getting closer to trusting him.  Our relationship has reached a higher level.  Physically it's better than it's ever been.  Now he know things about me than no one else knows.  Some days though I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I'm still thinking he'll leave if he doesn't get what he wants.

I hate mirrors....

February 26

I thought yesterday was OK but again last night he didn't want me close on the couch or touching him.  This morning he apologized.  Why am I turning him off in bed.  I need to set him down and find out what the problem is. It hurts when he won't talk to me about what's bothering him.  Is it her again, is she somewhere surfacing again.

March 3

The weekend became a right off.  I was edgy and bitchy.  He took offense and became just as upset and we ended up having a horrible weekend.  Sunday brought a change after we'd been apart most of the day.

March 6

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, sick sick sick.  I've had the same migraine since Friday.  Stomach doesn't hurt anymore.  My birthday came and went yesterday.  My daughter bought me a candle and earrings.  My son made me a card with his sister's help.  He brought a cake home late last night.  This headache is in my temple and doesn't seem to be letting up, stress maybe?  

March 7

The head game started again last night.  In bed as usual.  I tried to repeat back to him what I thought he said, the way I understood it.  Each time I got the first word out he started to bark out at me.  After he did it again I stopped and said never mind, what ever it's no concern of mine.  There was no point in me trying.  He asked me to say it and that he would keep quiet but I said no.  I wasn't angry I just didn't want to be talked over when I was trying to talk.  He rolled on to his back and closed his eyes.  I'm not into these games.  I don't initiate sex because the last time he laughed at me and pushed me away.  The head games mess me up.  I don't think he really wants to be here.  I think the novelty has worn off.  He's quick to start something and then pull back completely in bed.

Family can be the cruelest....

February 21

Last night there was some sort of problem.  He didn't want to do anything.  He didn't even try to get close.  For someone who always wanted to be close physically before, there are more times now that he doesn't want to more than he does.  That only tells me one thing, he doesn't want to be intimate....why?  I don't seem to be doing anything right.  The state of the house horrible to him, he calls it a shit hole.  I'm surprised he even wants to be here.  Is there a hole I can crawl into? I don't feel so great today.  I look in the mirror and see a fat and ugly person.  Not much wonder I turn him off.  He's probably only here for the kids and feels sorry for me.  This is such stupid talk.  I wish I could just believe he's not going to hurt me again and get on with my life.  I'm afraid though.  I'm jealous, I'm paranoid, I'm screwed in the head is what I am.

10:45 pm

OK, I'm not feeling so sorry for myself now.  What I need to do is focus on the good and not worry about what might happen.  Oh well if he finds someone else.  I just hope there will be no more lies.  It would be nice if I didn't feel like I was on the verge of tears all the time.

February 22

Woke up in the middle of the night again.  Restless.  Went to bed early to catch up.

9:25pm

What started out as a fairly decent day became not so good.  We went to Paris Kitchens to have a look and stopped at his parents.  While there his mom made the comment that his sister in law was in Florida having a great time with "she who is the other woman" and his sisters.  Yes, you read right, she was included in the family vacation.  I can't get away from that woman.  Why would his mother even think of waving her name in front of me, never mind tell me how much of a wonderful time they are having with her.  It took every ounce of pride I had left in me to smile and not cry.  He knew in the van something was wrong.  When we got home I broke.  I don't look forward to any get together with his family.  I'm sure it won't be the last time she's flaunted in front of me.   They all talk behind each others backs.  How can they feel it's right for them to keep associating with her after what happened.  He cheated on me with her, lied to me and the kids about where he was living.  

February 23

 Not a very good day in one sense.  Something is wrong.  It's 8:30, I'm in bed and he's watching TV.  Even watching the movie he didn't touch me.  He pushed my leg away when it touched his.  Something is wrong.

Am I fooling myself?

February 19

The last few days haven't been too good, have they.  It's strange how other people can influence you.  I was upset with his brother for having him pick up his girlfriend and I took it out on him.  Mind you it wouldn't have taken much to get me blubbering.  Luckily he didn't hear me last night crying in bed.  I know a lot of things are bothering me right now and I'm going to have to talk to him before I explode.   I just hope he is able to listen to it all objectively.  So let's ask this question, what has the past taught me, what have I really learned and am I going to make the same mistake again.  I'm really not sure what I've learned.  "Make the most of every moment", "trust yourself", I don't know.

February 20

In one way I'm starting to come out of the dark spot this month.  I'm still really emotional.  The days seem really long.  And the nights seem too short.  Last Saturday he had to work.  On Sunday he slept most of the day on the couch.  It's strange how I'm turning to the person who hurt me for security, love and a sense of belonging.  I bared my soul to him.

Feeling like I'm in the dark.....

February 18

Today he went to pick up his brothers girlfriend at the airport.  He left after work at 4:15.  It's 8:43 and he's not home.  Her plane came in at 6:15.  In one month it will be a year since we separated.  My nerves aren't doing well.  It's not that I don't trust him.  The bottom line is that he lied to me for so long.  He was deceptive.  I have lost my faith in him.  I don't believe him most of the time and that's sad.  It's not a matter of is he fooling around again.  It's more like will he lie to me or hurt me again and when.  He makes it look like nothing happened  last year.  We aren't even close to being out of the woods yet.  I love him with all my soul.  I still cry everyday.  Most of the time I've been able  to hide it.  The kids have caught me a few times.  It's just like this big black cloud of sadness is always inside me.  In bed I can't stop the thoughts of him with someone else while he's screwing around with my feelings.  I was called the "other woman".  Wanna explain the logic of that one.  How can your wife be called the other woman when she didn't even know about the other one.  She knew about me.  I had no clue she even existed.  I have to admit, he did a nice job of messing my head up.  And yet according to a majority of his family, I am the guilty party.  Again all the lies are what hurt the most.  People being nice to my face and stabbing me in the back when I turn around.  Another point I brought up with him was that in 10 years he never once took holidays with us.  Last year he went to Vegas, up north and the BC with her.  He took time off work to be with her, kind of makes you wonder.  I still don't feel sure enough of myself to talk to him.  I'm afraid.  Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.  It would make the hurt go away. I don't want to cry anymore.  I want someone I can believe and trust with my life, never mind my feelings.  9:05 pm and he just walked in the door. Said the plane was delayed, still going on about the plane being late.  If nothing had gone on why is he going on about the plane.  I feel like he's starting to take the relationship for granted again.  He doesn't realize we're still working on thin ice and at anytime it could break.  I don't really know how long I can go on feeling this way.  It's not fair to anyone.  It all comes from one choice, one lie, one deception, one other woman.

Sometimes they come back....

January 2

Everyone is asking me what he gave me for Christmas and how he liked the dress I got for the party.  It's the most uncomfortable question, I feel stupid because I don't want to tell them, and I certainly am tired of people feeling sorry for me.

January 6

He seemed better this morning.  I still can't help but feel something is going on.  Before he drove away he came back to the house and kissed me.  Maybe I'm just too paranoid.  I feel sad all the time, fear like a cornered rabbit waiting the the fox to pounce and end it all.

January 7

Feel like I'm on the verge of tears.  Wish he was home.  Need the truth no matter what.  Need it to be over, finished.  I want to go forward.  I'm scared, I feel alone.  Getting more migraines, two a week.

January 8

So far so good today.  Tired but otherwise not teary eyed, happy in fact.

January 18

Found out today that she is going south to Florida with his family.  She keeps appearing just when you think things are fine.  Makes you wonder what they are up to.

January 20

Compared to last year the challenges are much harder this year.  I don't really know if I can get over the fact that he lied and cheated, and that his family still keeps her around.  If he knew that all my mind dwells on when we're in bed is him with her I don't think he'd be happy.  My spirit is broken.  I'd like to run away.  I would really like to be someone else.  Maybe I should not have asked him to come back.  Maybe he should have just stayed with her.

Valentines 2009

Happy Valentines to all the young at heart.  My wish for you is that you will always remember what you are feeling at this moment.  The happiness, the joy, free spirit, lighter than air, true love feeling.  Hold on as long as you can and work hard to keep it.  I am at a point where although I am surrounded by many I feel ever so lonely.  Forgotten, taken for granted, not quite as important to remember.  My daughter, who has been away since September with a Katimavik program, came home for the weekend last night.  Her journey took her to British Columbia last September, in January she arrived in Ottawa and her next leg will take her Quebec until June.  It's been very hard having her away.  I wasn't quite ready for the chicks to start leaving the nest.  I found myself depressed at Christmas with the missing component of my family.  It was like having the breath taken from you, it was just not Christmas.  I had her on video cam, but, it was just not the same.  It was great to see her last night.  We picked her up at the Greyhound station in Toronto.  Her 5 hour bus ride turned into a 4 hour ride.  The driver certainly picked up the pace.  She gave Jim and I a box of chocolates to share and the lid was a motorcycle jacket, also she gave me a little angel pin.  Dak is too young yet to really think about Valentines.  I had purchased three tins of chocolate and three hearts filled with chocolate covered strawberries for them.  As well as a card for Jim.  I was a little disappointed that he didn't think about Valentines, nor even wish me a Happy Valentines, this is where feeling lonely while surrounded by many comes in.  I'm trying to have a brighter outlook, trying to not think about it, but, it's difficult.  I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself aren't I.  I feel embarrassed, sad, no anger.  So now is the chore of pretending to be happy, like nothing is wrong, like nothing has happened.  Put a fake smile on, take a breath, lift up my shoulders and try to raise my head.    

A Christmas not to be forgotten....

December 1

He seems distant and not himself.  Getting angry very easily, upset with me very easily.  Yelling at me when I ask what is wrong.

December 3

Another night of him starting with sarcasm.  Even in bed.  I can't help but wonder what he's doing or hiding.

December 4

Left this morning after saying sarcastically,  "see you later, have a nice day".  I'm done running to him. He was the cruel one before when I asked him to leave  He's the one who screwed around behind my back, lied to me and the kids and cheated.  I'm done, I didn't do anything and I won't feel guilty for what he did.

December 6

We talked last night and sorted things out some what.

December9

It feels like our marriage is getting stronger but I have feelings that he may be doing something I won't like when I find out what it is.  I still don't trust him.

December 10

I know it's small but it's huge to me.  He still has her address on his prescriptions.  He said she was the one who changed it at the drug store.  Before I found out about her I was under the impression we were working things out and getting closer.  He was coming here in the mornings before work and she thought he was going to work early.  She would have known if he stayed late at night.  It's making sense to me now and I don't like it.

December 17

I am so excited about Christmas.  Finally a year when we are a real family.

December 24

Went to his sister's for the family get together.  Not bad but not great.  It's almost as though I'm an intruder and they are putting up with me being there.  I don't understand why.  I'm sure the rest of the stories will come out soon.  His parents asked me about not cooking for him,  I think they believed every lie they were told and still do.  He always would go and visit them when I would go grocery shopping, he never took me to visit them.  I don't understand why he wouldn't take me.

December 25

Can it possibly get any worse than last year.  Yes, it did.  He gave me nothing for Christmas.  Not even a card.  There was nothing under the tree for me at all.  What a horrible feeling to come down on Christmas morning and watch everyone else open gifts and have your child ask you why you're not opening anything.  Now I know what's going on.  He has his home back, me doing everything again,  I don't feel loved I feel used.

December 27

Says he's sorry and doesn't know why.  Sure, you don't know why you like to  hurt me and screw my head up just a little more each time, sure you don't know why you screwed around on me but it's my fault.  He is using me and I'm letting him.  I still feel like there is something going on.  I told him exactly how I feel.

December 31

When will I ever learn.  Evening was a disaster.  We went out for New Year's.  He didn't have a good time, wasn't impressed by my dress, or the fact I got my hair and nails done.  I feel stupid, embarrassed, exposed, uncomfortable.

A spiral down.

November 4

Here we are back at Monday again.  As usual I find myself missing him.  Our relationship is so fresh that I'm afraid it may be lost.  Some days I find myself wrapped up in the fear that he's seeing someone else or he's not where he says he is.  Blind faith is what I'm trying to have but it's hard after the lies he told from March to September.  I'm afraid to be away from him but I don't want to smother him.  He has become so much a part of my world that if anything happened to him I wouldn't be able to go on.  Never mind a part of my world, he is my world.

November 5

Today was a better day.  As usual though he was home late.  A bit of a pattern going on here.  I wonder if he really is working or if he is some where else.  Pretty much every Tuesday he's late.  Plus making fun of me has started again.  Getting what he wants in bed sure does keep him happy.  Does he really love me though.  I'm not sure I could handle the truth though.

November 6

OK, today I am on the verge of tears.  This is not a good day at all.  I know November 3 is the day my dad passed away.  Is that what is building up.  Is that what's making everything else more unbearable.  Do I tell him the crazy thoughts that fly through my head.  Do I tell him I feel like I"m going crazy.  He's trying so hard and he's been great since he came back is this the insane world you go into when someone lies and cheats on you.

November 7

He ended up working in Toronto instead of Elmira.  Busy traffic kept him late.  Feeling more normal today.  Not as emotional or self hating.  It's a good thing I don't rant at him like that.  If anything it would drive him away.  When I look back at what I wrote I don't understand why I felt that way.  I don't have very high self esteem but how could I think he doesn't love me.  I think a lot of it had to do with my dad.  I miss him. He's been gone 11 years.

November 9

We took the kids to a movie, I bought a new stove.  The other stove only had one burner working and the oven never got hot enough.  I got tired of it.

November 10

More blocked calls came through on the phone today.  No one was there when I answered.  I used to get hang ups when we were separated.  It stopped when he came back but now it's starting up again.  I got call display, but whoever it is the number is blocked.  Coincidence?

November 11

I think it's safe to say the slump is over.  I'm feeling much better today.

November 12

Over a month till Christmas and I have almost all the shopping done.  Last year two weeks before Christmas I had no gifts, no money and a marriage in need of help.  My mom had to loan me money.

November 19

Almost one week of sanity.  Today I felt like head was going to explode.  The usual thoughts about him with her, telling me he loved me and missed me but then going home to her.  Every one knowing but me and the kids, the lies, how many other lies I don't know about are there.  How was he approaching her even before we separated.  Just who set them up I wonder.....

November 20

Last night he caught me crying.  I couldn't stop or talk.  It hurts so bad knowing the truth of the separation, what went on, how I looked like such a fool.  I trusted him completely.

November 21

He phone during the day to see how I was.

November 26

I'm starting to come to terms with the situation.  He is not interested in her.  So he says.... The hard part is that he said a lot of hurtful things that turned out to be lies.  Very hurtful lies.  I don't want to trust him again and find out he's telling lies again.  I'm quite messed up in the head.  I feel ugly, fat and undesirable.

November 27

I feel the time for letting go is near.  I would like to put my fears to rest once and for all and believe he loves me for who I am.  I'm still afraid to eat and when I do I fell guilty.

November 28

I hate her for using him.  For giving him his dream bike and then taking it away.  I hate her for ruining my child's birthday.  I hate what he did to me.  I hate the fact that he brought an unwanted person into my life.

November 29

Last night I was able to tell him some of my fears.  He doesn't understand but he didn't react negatively either.

One step forward, two steps back....

October 1

We have hit the one month mark.  Everything has been wonderful.  We're able to talk.  He really does seem happy to be home.  I've been having panic attacks.   I haven't told him though.  I think that if he's not happy he's going to leave.  Sometimes I feel like I can't get close enough.  I'm sleeping better now.  But I do wake up to make sure he's still there.

October 12

We all went to the fair.  It's so nice being a family again.  Everything feels new.

October 15

Form came in the mail questioning the sale of the Harley.  Can't seem to get away from her.

October 16

He has been getting more and more sarcastic with us.  Things came to a head tonight.  We talked, it was good to clear the air and talk about our feelings.

I find this next week to be tough in respect to doubting myself, my abilities, my self-worth.  I look in the mirror and hate what I see.  I wish I could hide.  I don't want people looking at me.  I don't want him to see me naked in case it turns him off.  He doesn't like overweight women, he said she was overweight and it turned him off.  If I get fat he'll leave.  I'm so hungry but I don't want to eat too much and get fat.

What am I doing?

September 1

I have been physically sick with the thought of what has gone on the past six months.  He left this morning, said he was going to work and going to get his clothes from her house.  I keep feeling like he's going to call and say that he would rather be with her, that he doesn't really want to be here that he was only using me.  Now that the truth is out he doesn't need to be afraid of me finding out.  She is a lotto 649 winner, she has the money to buy him anything he wants, she can take him places, I can't offer that at all.

September 2

He came home.  He's really home.  Maybe he really means what he says.  He walked away from the money, a new Harley Davidson she bought him.  But D told me that his dad said she was fat.  He told me he wasn't attracted to her at all and that caused a few things to go wrong in that department.  She apparently didn't do anything physically for him.  That is not the man I know, even a bottle of alcohol wouldn't dampen anything physically for him.  I really hope he couldn't because that is not a vision I want to live with, him with another woman.  Is it possible he's using me though?  Does he really love me, does he really want to be here or does it suit his purpose.  Was he getting tired of her and started sleeping with me again.  I think it would be very easy for me to lose my mind and go crazy right about now.

September 9

He's been home for a week now.  I missed him so much.  I hope he really does mean everything he says.  The kids are happy to have their dad back.  I get nervous when we're apart.  I think he may want someone else and not me.  I love to look at him.

September 11

He said she dropped off clothes, shoes and a watch with his brother.  I felt like he was hiding something all night, he was edgy, sharp, he said that was all and I didn't believe it.  He got mad at me but I kept pushing, I was right there was more.  She wrote a letter and sent pictures.  The letter said if he had any regrets she would be there for him.  He could go back to her, she was waiting.  He ripped up the letter, I put it back together and kept it....it may be needed in the future.  Why is he still telling me lies about her.

September 14

We went out for dinner and a movie for his birthday.  It was nice just the two of us.

September 26

Found out she only changed the bike ownership yesterday out of his name.  I pushed him into contacting her to find out if she did or not.  

September 27

She called to say the insurance wouldn't cancel as he had to contact them and cancel it.  I went into the insurance office and explained the situation told them I was his wife.  The girl there  said no problem and cancelled the insurance for me.  I called her after and told her that they cancelled it for me so she could go ahead and do whatever she wanted now with the bike.  I don't think she was happy to hear from me or hear that they cancelled the insurance for me.....his WIFE!

Now it all makes sense.....

August 12

I've been off for two weeks.  He comes and sees the kids or calls.  We're getting closer.  Things are getting better.

August 14

He came by in the morning before he went to work.

August 15

Here again in the morning before work.

August 16

This is becoming a habit, here again before work.

August 18

We took the kids to the zoo again.  I asked him again about the clothes and aftershave.  He is definitely hiding something.  Says he doesn't have a girlfriend.  I hope he's not using me.  Maybe this is all too good to be true.

August 19

Came by before work.

August 20

Came by before work.

August 21

Came by before work.

August 23

Came by before work.

August 25

We all went to Elora Gorge, Churchill Park and China Sails for dinner.

August 26

Came by before work.

August 31

R's birthday.  Family party for her here.  A great day until the phone rang.  All hell broke loose with a late night phone call.  He's been living with someone else the entire time, not his brother but another woman.  When he left here he moved in with her.  She told me that he was approaching her while he still lived here, which would explain the nights he never came home and the late nights.  She said she told him he had to break it off with me first before she would have him.  Apparently he told her I kicked him out of the bedroom and I never cooked for him or did anything in the house.  Boy was I a fool.  He doesn't love me or the kids, he's been covering his own ass this whole time.  I told him he comes home and we work on the relationship or I'll see him in court.  He came home and stayed the night.

Changes

July 1

He came and took the kids to Paris to see the parade today.

July 3

He said he has a lawyer appointment on Friday.  I'm scared, I miss him, and he tells me he still loves me.  I wish it could be more without having it hurt so much.

Is he trying to scare me into something, says he loves me and then in the same breath he is seeing a lawyer.

July 7

He spent the whole day here.  It was nice.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to go back to the yelling and hurting each other or the kids.

July 9

Received the letter from the lawyer today, wow that was fast, he said he was just going to talk.  It was very fair and honest.  I accepted the offer and faxed back my response.  I cried for a long time after.  I can't sleep at night, can't think straight.  I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up.  It hurts too much.

July 10

He phoned and said he'd be by tomorrow.

July 11

He came by at 7 pm.  I didn't tell him yet I got the letter and I sent my reply.

July 14

He took D to a movie.  After we all went mini golfing and had dinner out.  I showed him the letter I received from the lawyer.  He wasn't happy.  He said he didn't approve it to be sent.  He was also shocked I replied so quickly.

July 17

It seems like we're attempting to reconcile.

July 21

We all went to the zoo.  D was stung by a wasp near the eye.  We held hands all day, even bought a family membership to the zoo.   Is he coming back, what's going on?  I asked him in the truck jokingly if he had a girlfriend yet or something and he said no.  Something still doesn't seem right, he's getting a lot of new stuff and the places he's been going.  Doesn't make sense.

July 22

I've been very emotional today.  I do love him very much and miss him.  We met at 6 pm for coffee.

July 23

He came and picked up D in the dump truck.  Came back and had dinner with us after work.

July 24

Came by tonight, said he's going to stay late.  That's odd, he never will stay late, says he has to get home.  I'm confused, I don't know what to do, what I want.

He stayed and I lost it emotionally.  We talked a little, nothing is resolved.  I told him it was all or nothing, something is going on, he's holding back.  Said he'd call tomorrow, it was nice to have the person I love holding me.

July 25

He didn't call.  I'm glad I didn't give in.  I guess there was only one thing he wanted last night.  How could I have been so stupid to think maybe he really does love me.  I'm glad nothing happened.

Just jumping in here....

February 5, 2009

Just jumping in here, I'm having an awesome day.  You know it's one of those days when you think it's going to go downhill but everything just falls into place and goes right.  For me, being a shift worker, this is my Friday night.  Now you think ugh, 11 - 7, nope not tonight.  The boss says we can come in early and work 7 - 3.  That's great!  Because tomorrow night is the Company Christmas party.....confused, don't be.  In December we had a major storm which cancelled the doo.  Everyone was so sad, so the company rescheduled.  Now I said things looked bad, OK, let me explain.  I have an 07 300 and lately it's been causing me woes, we are in a deep freeze right now here in Ontario, -26 on the way home this morning, my thermostat isn't working which means I have no heat in my vehicle which also chooses to squeal like a little piglet.  So in she goes to the dealer at 9 am.  I lay down at 9:30 and get the call at 1 pm.  They have to keep it in, but the thermostat is replaced, but the starter won't work now, ????????, OK, now my question is, why did you unplug the starter, their  answer to test it, now I know I'm female and I know I don't have mechanical aptitude for vehicles, but why would you unplug the starter to test the car when you're changing the thermostat and checking the belt for the squeal.  They couldn't answer me but they also couldn't provide me with a vehicle for work.  My new dilemma, I could get to work at 7 pm but not home at 3 am.  OK, so I email my boss.   Woo hoo, work to the rescue, not a problem, they will leave a taxi voucher for me at the security shack and I will have a warm and toasty ride home.  I love my job.  I love my boss, I love the world today, lol.  It's cold outside but the sun is shining so that's a good thing.  And like I said, this is Friday for me.......nough said.

Something is not right....

June 1

Family party for D's birthday.  His dad seemed very uncomfortable.

June 2

He didn't come by because he was here yesterday.   D was upset.  Said he'd come tomorrow.

June 3

He came by to see D.  

June 6 

D hasn't seen or heard from his dad since Monday.

June 8

He phoned D and said he would visit tomorrow.

June 9

He came by and took D to a party for his friend.  We talked a little.  I miss him but something just doesn't seem right.

June 10

Dare graduation for R.  He came to see her.

June 12

Came and took D to watch his friend perform gymnastics.

June 16

Came and took D to see movie, Scooby Doo.

June 23

Came to see D today, haven't heard from him or seen him all week long.  D was upset.

June 27

He phoned and left a message to find out how the kids last day of school went.

June 28

D phoned his dad but got no answer.

June 30

D finally got a hold of his dad.  He'd gone up north with one of the guys.  He wasn't coming to visit.  D was upset.

Some things stay the same...

May 1

We invited him to come to the school open house.

May 2

He phoned D.

May 5

Came and took D out for the whole day.

May 8

He phoned D.

May 12

R and D made me breakfast in bed for mothers day.  R had Nana help her buy a candle and a holder as their gifts to me.  D said daddy didn't help them do anything.  He came and took D for the day.

May 14

D fell at school.  Called him to let him know D was hurt.  He came by after work and said he would come by again on Thursday.

May 15

He called D to see how he was feeling.

May 16

He didn't show or call like he said.  D was upset.

May 19

Came and took D to a Spider man movie.

May22

Came by to see D.

May 26

D had a party to go to.  He picked him up and took him to the party and brought him home again.

May 29

Came by to see D.

Changes....

April 3

D called his dad after dinner.

April 4

He came by and took the kids out.  Bought D a computer game and R a music CD for Easter.

April 7

Came and took D out in the morning then came back and hung around the house for the rest of the time.

April 9

Van needed new tires.  He paid for them and arranged for the van to go in.

April 10

D upset today, called his dad.  He came by to see him.

April 11

He was supposed to come over.  Didn't show or call.  D very upset.

April 13

I've noticed he has some new clothes and new aftershave.  He left most of his clothes here.  The money he's taken out of the account couldn't possibly have paid for those things.  I was asked if he's seeing someone.  I don't think so.  He wouldn't do that to me.  He still tells me he Love's me.  Who knows maybe the  separation will help us.

April 14

He took D  out for the day.  D wanted him to come back after dinner but he said he couldn't.

April 19

He came by the house to see D.

April 21

Came and took D out.  R is feeling very left out.  He hasn't taken her anywhere or even asked her if she'd like to go.

April 23

Phoned D.  Said he would come by tomorrow.

April 24

Came for a visit.  Mentioned about seeing a lawyer in order to get a legal separation underway.  Told him OK.

April 27

Phoned, talked to R then talked to D.

April 28

Came to the house at 9:30 am, picked up D and took him out for lunch.  When they came back he stayed for awhile, had dinner here.  I miss him.

April 30

I had to call him.  Nana's sump pump quit, her whole basement was flooded.  What a mess.  He came by to fix the sump pump for her.

How much longer....

February 22

I told him again today that it was over.  I think it would be best for him to talk to the kids.  

February 24

Gave him a note asking him to keep me informed when he was going to tell the kids and the choice of having me there or not.

March 2

He hasn't said anything to the kids or me.  I don't know what his plans are.

March 5

He bought me a birthday gift.  I have only received one other birthday gift from him.   The last time was after he left also.  It was 1994.  Pretty sad when I can count how many times I have received a gift.

March 8

Still isn't saying anything to the kids and me about moving.  In the last few months he has gone out late at night and not come home a couple of times.  He did that also when we were first together.  He has never said where he was or who he was with.  

March 10 

He told the kids he'd be moving.  D asked when and where, he said in a week or so but didn't know where.  D was very upset.  Hysterical actually.  D yelled at his dad angrily, I told D that he wasn't leaving because he wanted to but because I asked him to.  He was going to take the blame from D and not say anything.  I couldn't let D think he didn't want to be here.  Because R smiled he started yelling at her and saying he was glad she was happy.  Wow, why shouldn't she be happy, he won't be here to yell at every little thing she does or says.  I know I made the right decision.

March 11

He tried rehashing over everything again.  How many times do I have to say I want a separation before he believes me.  He is still defensive, he was so angry with R because she smiled on Sunday, what does he expect after five years of being yelled at.

March 13

Although the separation means financial stress I'm ready for it.  He said he will help with the mortgage and stuff.  My family doubts it, I believe him.  I don't think he would do anything nasty that way.

March 16

He went out late.  D asked when he would be back and he said later.  Didn't come home again.

March 17 

Came home at 7:30 pm packed some clothes and said he was staying at his brothers.  Left after D went to bed.  Said he would call on Monday and give D a phone number.  Odd, we already know his brothers number, why do we need a cell number to get a hold of him.

March 18

Didn't phone, D upset.

March 19

Phoned at 6:15 pm and gave D a cell number.  Why a cell number, said he'd come by tomorrow D is happy.

March 20

Called at 8:15 pm to see if D was still up.  Came to house at 8:30 and packed some more clothes.  Left at 9:30, good visit, gave kids a chocolate bar.

March 21

D told me his dad said he would be going to Las Vegas for the weekend for a construction convention with his brother.

March 25

Came by for an hour with shirts from Vegas for the kids.

March 27

Phoned and talked with the kids.

March 31

Came by and picked up D, they went out.