I'm just in shock...

August 7

The calm before the storm…went out to the shop to pick up his cheque.  While we were there I started gathering  up his pay stubs to bring in the house rather than leave laying in the truck.  I saw a brand new wallet.  I asked him when he started carrying one and when he got it.  At first he said it wasn’t his.  It had his ID in it.  He became very curt with me when I asked if she bought it for him.  I didn’t say very much after he barked at me.  He was in the wrong last year but I feel as though I’m the one being punished still.  It’s as though I don’t have a right to question things.  I still feel as though he’s holding back and not telling the truth.  He said after to me  ”you don’t have much to say”, well neither did he.  The wallet smelled very new to have been bought a year ago, you know that fresh leather smell.  Why is the truth so hard to tell.  Why bother doing something if you have to lie about it?  If she is still hounding him, why is he afraid to tell me, and look for my support if he is not doing anything to encourage her?

Why did he really come back?  Maybe she threw him out so he pretended to come back because he wanted to.  Maybe she didn’t want him there when she found out what he was doing.  How much longer can I go on feeling paranoid.  I am very nervous out in public now, I don’t feel safe or secure.

11:30 pm

I can’t sleep.  Too much is going through my mind.  What does the future hold.  More heartache, lies, deception.  I’m afraid of what is in store for me.  I can’t seem to get it right.  What did I do so bad to deserve this.  Am I being tested to see how much I can take before I lose it completely.  My stomach is doing circles.  All I ever asked for was the truth.  I feel stuck.  I went from a marriage going no where to a cheating spouse.  There was no break, I feel degraded, cheap and worthless.  

12 am

I just finished writing a note to him.  I told him I feel like he’s holding back, not telling me everything.  I said I feel deceived and need answers to my questions.  I don’t know how he’ll take it, yes I do, who am I fooling.  He’s going to blast at me.  He’ll get defensive and become angry, I hope he just comes clean and tells the whole truth.

August 9

The note only came up today because I asked him about it.  He says the wallet has been there the whole time.  He says he bought it she didn’t.  He says he didn’t deny it was his when I first asked about it.  So, I’m going crazy.  I’ve lost it.  I’m psycho.  Seeing and hearing things.  He didn’t want to discuss it either.  Tonight in bed all of a sudden he blurted out “come on, get it off your chest, I know you want to say something”, I shouldn’t be made to feel like the guilty party but I do.  I came downstairs because I don’t want to argue with him, now he’s mad because I did.  I’ve had hardly any sleep the past two nights, I’m tired.    He came down the stairs and said “what’s your problem”.  I told him I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m the guilty party.  He asked me how long I’ve felt this way.  He has not been listening to a word I have said at all.

2 am

Life really sucks, we just spent the last two hours talking and got no where.  I knew he wouldn’t take my thoughts well.  He does not understand one bit.  I heard a few zingers tonight….”I don’t even want to have sex with you”, “maybe it’s your fault my family doesn’t like you, I’ve seen you at functions, you can’t handle anything”, ” I’ll sleep on the couch again and just go back to how it was before”, “I don’t know how to approach you”.  I knew it was a mistake to write the note.  He took everything wrong and now things are worse than before.  I really don’t know what to do now.  I can’t live that way.  I really don’t want to go to any functions with his family.  I don’t think he could handle what I have had to deal with.  He said he should never have come back here that it was a mistake.  He thinks he should have rented a room somewhere to decide what he wanted instead of coming back here.  Perfect, tell me you love me you miss me, go home to another woman but rent a room to see what you want.  Maybe he’s right.  Maybe he should never have come back.

Try to find at least one good thing.....

July 11

I phoned him on Wednesday at noon.  We both agreed we didn’t want to be fighting.  He did apologize for what he said.  My daughter left  to go to the cabin with my brother and niece for the week.  

July 13

Good day, took our son to the African Lion Safari.  Yesterday I was in a strange bummed mood.  I wasn’t hungry.  He was going on about motorbikes again.  I think he feels cheated.

July 20

Reserved camping sites for our vacation.  Yes he has agreed to take time off work to vacation with us.  First family vacation in 8 years.

August 1

We survived.  Not a bad drive to Collingwood.  Power was out at campsite from 1 - 6 pm.  Had a fire, set up tents.  Slept pretty good.  The caves were neat.  Kids had fun.  Went to Wassaga beach on way home.  I’m feeling in a distant mood.  Almost like it’s too good to be true.  He was OK.  Happy.  Maybe it’s because it’s August and that’s when world shattered last year.  One good thing, I quit smoking last year…. June 20, 2002, 2:20 pm.  It’s been over a year.  So there is one good thing that has come out of all this, right?

Take a breath and go...

July 7 

He is still upset and so am I.  It seems like he’s slowly chipping away at any sense of self worth I have left.  I never imagined I would react this way.  I never imagined there would be a day where there was no fight left in me.  I hate the way I look.  If he wants to leave I’ll open the door for him.  He blames me for losing the bike she bought for him.  So many words from so many people still haunt me.  Him saying getting involved with me was a mistake.  Now this last one.  He didn’t even stand up to her when she wrecked my daughter’s birthday party.  Things just don’t seem to be working out very well.  He gets angry, I get upset.  Right now this is the worst since September.  I don’t know if we can survive the effect of his cheating.  It seems to have added problems too.  I don’t throw it in his face, in fact we don’t even talk about it.  We chose to try and move on.  How do you forget and move on though.  Some days I’m suspicious.  Why I don’t know.  I feel defeated and ready to turn and walk away.  I couldn’t live through giving him another chance.  I feel like building a high wall is the only way I’ll survive.  He’s starting to get angrier with me now.  He ignores the kids.  I’m not sleeping well at night, I toss and turn.

Evening

The tension is so evident.  I don’t know what to do or say.  How do you set aside pain.  How do you close your mind and heart to it.  Is it fair of him to expect me to.  How long does it take to get over heartache and how could it hurt so much.  I don’t know what he’s thinking and I’m afraid to ask.  I don’t want to argue anymore or fight or have misunderstandings.  Again I don’t know how we’ll get back to where we were.

July 8

Last night he asked very curtly how we were going to fix this.  My answer was simply I don’t know.  He didn’t sound too happy because I took the opening message off his phone.  He asked me if I didn’t love him anymore.  Right now I’m still very hurt.  Loving someone doesn’t come to mind and that’s sad.  He made a comment the other week that I have found curious.  He said that before we split up he was depressed.  Congratulations, so was I.  I still am.  It didn’t just go away when I found out my husband was with another woman and telling me lies.   It didn’t just go away whe I found out he was sneaking over here in the morning to be with me and telling her lies.  He never stayed late while he lived with her, I know why, she would have figured it out.  I feel worse now.  I’m more paranoid, she said I was the other woman.  I am still having the panic attacks.  I’m ready to throw in the towel.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  He builds me up and then he drops me.  He’s getting angry over small things and I don’t understand why.  Maybe he’s looking for a way out and is using fighting for an excuse.  He’ll either use this to say he’s leaving because we’re not getting along instead of the truth that he just doesn’t want to be here.  The kids heard the whole fight.  The front door was open and the neighbors heard every word he yelled at me.  His anger explodes out of nowhere.

Evening

Nothing has changed.  I don’t understand how he could get so angry and say such hurtful things.  I think it may be time to bring out all the questions I have.  It’s time to close the chapter and try to move on.  I don’t even know how to approach the topic because he’ll just explode at me.

I am not stupid....

July 1

Things are not better and are starting to revert back to the way they were.  I had a panic attack on Sunday, my husband and daughter were butting heads.  He was ranting and raving, because I didn’t yell at her also I was being yelled at by him.

July 5 

Today has not been good.  It’s been like walking on a tight rope.  That ache was back in my eye last night.  Things felt strained between us this morning.  We went and bought ceiling fans and all hell broke loose because I didn’t understand why or see the reason for leaving an elastic band around the glass.  Because it didn’t seem right in my head I kept asking about it.  He got upset.  He started yelling at me, I said I wasn’t going to work with him if he was going to yell at me, his response, fuck you.  I hate working with him because he makes me feel stupid when I don’t understand something.  He has never said that to me before though.  The way he said it just sucked the air right out of me.  The same way it sucked the air out when I heard on the phone “my name is Pat and he’s been living with me since he left on March 17″.  I don’t feel so good right now.  The ache that is inside me feels like it’s in my throat choking me.  A hard lump.  Why is it wrong if you don’t understand something to keep asking and talking about it until you do.

Celebrations have lost their happiness...

June 1

Today I’m on the edge of a cliff.  I seem to be ready to cry at the drop of a hat.  I’ve tried to crawl as far inside myself as I possibly can.  It keeps the tears away and I can’t be hurt either.  He’s been apologetic but I don’t buy it.  Everytime he says something mean or sarcastic it hurts deeper.  I wish I could crawl into the shadow in a corner.

June 3 my son’s birthday

My husbands parents phoned to say they were coming over.  I had a panic attack.  He had told me so much that the house was a shit hole that I’m ashamed when people come in.  I can’t get it clean enough.

June 9

The last few days have been quite sad.  On Friday June 6 both my cats were put to sleep.  Our wedding anniversary is coming up, I hope the day is at least tolerable.

June 12

I’m a little detached.  Tomorrow is Friday 13th.  He’ll want to go to Port Dover but he has no bike, and I’m working.  I’m so sick of hearing about Harley Davidson bikes.  He almost drools over them.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to react.  I’ve got that feeling again that something is going on.

June 16 Fathers day

The day started out good but went downhill.  I asked him to sign the card I got for his dad for father’s day.  I found out at his parents house that he signed his name and sealed the envelope, again never included me.  I was so embarrassed at his parents house his mom opened the card and proceeded to show me the gifts and cards everyone  gave my father in law.  He seems to be setting me up for failure with his parents.  So I was the only name missing on cards, I played second fiddle to the other woman last year, this year I’m not good enough to add on the card.  He made all the comments in the past and excluded me and I was blamed for it.  I felt like an outsider.  He made me feel unwelcome.  I sat outside away from the group.  Better than being in the same room and ignored.  Some days I think it hurts so badly because it’s the person I love with all my heart hurting me.  Over and over again.  I always guarded myself in the past so I wouldn’t be vulnerable.  Yet the one person I thought I could trust betrayed me and continued to stab me in the back.

June 18 Our anniversary

I put a card in his lunch bag.  He brought home a card and roses.  I took a picture because I don’t know if this will ever happen again

(Author’s note, it was a good thing a picture was taken because it has not occurred now in 7 years, remember gifts were only received if he had done something wrong and felt guilty)

May 16

I’m beginning to feel numb, I feel like distance is coming between us.  Maybe it’s because nothing has really been resolved.  We just go back together and that was it.  None of my questions were answered, I don’t even know how to approach him to talk about any of this.  Any time I have tried to talk he gets defensive.  I’m afraid.  Sometimes feeling nothing helps you melt into the background.  It still hurts inside though.

8:30 pm

He went out for coffee.  That’s unusual for him.  I don’t think he’ll respond well to any of my questions.  I just want to close the book and be done.  I want closure.  That’s all.  I don’t know how to get closure  I’m ashamed to tell anyone what happened and why I’m so messed up.  I was so certain he was different.  I was sure he would never cheat on me.  I would have bet my life on it.  The faith and trust I had, it’s all gone.  He said his ex’s all cheated on him.  Maybe it was the other way around and he is denying that.  I feel more alone than I did before.  I find my behavior is becoming compulsive.  I get pains in my stomach, easily confused, emotional, not able to think straight.  I know the doctor would send me to a therapist and put me on pills for depression.  I don’t have time to go and talk to someone, I don’t even have the money to do that, and I don’t like pills.  I think writing has helped quite a bit.  It’s given me an outlet.  Plus I could write what ever and not hurt anyones feelings.  Everyones a winner right?  I wish, I feel like I’m cornered just waiting for the next blow.  Where will it come from and when.  I wish I could put away all these feelings in a bag and throw them away.

May 20

Good long weekend.  Drove around, went to the zoo, fireworks.  Went to my dad’s grave site.  I said goodbye.

May 22

Picked up the helicopter pictures.  Ran into his parents, invited them for breakfast.

May 31 

Said he didn’t have to start work until 8, but was going to get up at 6:30 and head over.  When I asked why so early he became defensive and said he’d just  tell his brother he couldn’t work on Saturday.  It’s raining right now, for two days he’s be vague and defensive.  My sense of security is gone.  Deja vu.  From past experience this is how he acts when he’s covering a lie.

A black cloud on Mother's day....

May 8

More weird dreams.  They didn’t even make sense.  I can’t remember what I dreamed, I woke up tired and confused.  Am I awake or am I dreaming.  Are we back together or am I dreaming we are.  Yesterday was one of those days that all the sad, angry feelings I pushed down came to the surface.  I can’t ignore them too much longer.  I’ll have to address the problem soon.  I just don’t want him to get the wrong idea.  I don’t want to upset him.  He will have to take responsibility for his actions and accept the blame.  Life is about choices, unfortunately his choices hurt me and now I have a problem.  I wish the thoughts, the hurt would go away.  It’s like having a nagging headache.  I want peace.  I want to know the whole truth.  I want to know and trust he’s not keeping anything from me.  I think I’m having trouble because I haven’t confronted any of the issues.

May 9

Feeling more settled today.  There are still tears on the edge but I feel calmer.

May 11 Mother’s Day

The kids tried, my son made me a card at school and my daughter went to the corner store and bought me a candle.  He didn’t help them in any way.  He never even offered to help them.  They tried to make me breakfast.  He went to make breakfast after and asked what I wanted.  I said I’d have toast and bacon but no eggs.  When I came down there was nothing, he made no toast and gave our son all the bacon.  There was no breakfast for me, said he forgot.  I still feel like he’s taking advantage of me.  He doesn’t care about my feelings or he wouldn’t do these things.  I don’t  want any more disappointment, no more Christmas’s where there is nothing.  No more birthdays where I am ignored.  I don’t understand why he wouldn’t help the kids.  I don’t think my heart can be shattered any more than it already has been.  I still feel like he’s doing something behind my back.

May 12

I don’t think he even realizes how his insensitivity hurts me.  And if he does he doesn’t care.  He would try to change if he was really sorry.  Instead he’s gotten worse.  If he’s trying to break my spirit it’s working.  I’ve been having panic attacks when we go out.  I feel very insecure.  Some days are good, some are horrible.  I don’t know what I’m really feeling.  I feel confused, scared.  I feel like he has me on a line.  Reel me in then throw me out again.  Is he making himself feel better at the cost of lowering my self esteem.  Does he feel so secure and blameless.  Why does he feel that he did nothing wrong and that I made him cheat

Feeling low, low, low....

April 26

He finished the deck today.  That was a lot of work.  I had another strange dream last night.  I was hiding.  He was trying to help me.  Very weird.  He was younger in the dream.  His mom was there too.  I think the dreams and my thoughts are born of fear and low self esteem.  I don’t feel that deserve happiness.  I’m afraid of being hurt.

May 5

I’m afraid, it feels like a gap is growing between us.  I’d swear there is something he’s keeping from me.  I have a raw sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I almost feel a wedge.  An unfeeling wedge growing wider.  It scares me.  I hate the way I look, I feel fat, and I feel ugly.  After having everything and money when he lived with her it must be hard for him to come back here to nothing.  All he talks about is wanting a Harley motorcycle.  Nothing else is good enough now. Money is the root of all evil.  I wish I knew for sure why he came back.  How he really and honestly feels.  Did he only come back because he got caught.

May 6

I’m kind of blank today.  I don’t really know how I feel.  Afraid, I’m still afraid to totally let go and trust him completely again.  I’m still afraid to be hurt again.  It’s weird he had my complete trust before but not all of me.  Now he has all of me but I have no faith or trust in him.  Can you truly love someone but not trust them?

May 7

Maybe it’s not that I don’t trust him.  If I didn’t trust him I probably wouldn’t be here.  I think I’m honest with myself.  I realize the chances are good he’ll cheat on me again.  I can’t say anymore he wouldn’t do that to me.  I don’t think his love goes that deep.  I have always cared for, loved and respected him too much to do that to him.  Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.  That one choice he made showed me I can be replaced at any tie and his love isn’t deep enough to overcome the choice of cheating.  He didn’t respect me or my feelings.  It’s hard living with that knowledge.  It still hurts.  I think it will be something that will always haunt me.  He had better and then for some reason settled for me.  That’s how I feel, I was settled for, second choice, last on the bench, used.

Is a dream reality or reality a dream....

April 24

Still feeling a little numb and detached today.  I kind of feel as though he’s not telling me the whole story still.  Last night I dreamed we were at his sister’s house, a family get together and his parents lived next door.  We were going between the two houses.  At one point I’d had enough and proceeded to tell them all what I  thought of them.  He left the room.  I told him I wanted to go home and he handed me the keys.  He didn’t support me at all in the dream.  He sided with them and denied everything.  In the dream after I got the keys I left.  When I woke up I didn’t feel too good.  He isn’t standing up for himself.  He lets them walk all over him.  But yet he told lies about me to her and his family and won’t admit to it.  I think there will be no trust until he tells me the truth about what he said to them to make them dislike me so much.  His parents told me some of the things they were told that I was supposed to have done.  Sometimes I wonder if getting back together  was the right thing to do after finding out he moved in with another woman.  Would it have been easier to get over missing him and wanting him.  On one hand I love him and am in love with him but on the other side it still hurts so bad knowing he lied and broke our vows.  He couldn’t keep his commitment until the bond was legally broke.  He told me he loved and missed me whenever he would come to pick up our son.  But he always went home to her.  I’m just so confused.  I don’t know what to think, where to turn or who to trust.  I don’t trust his family and that’s sad.  I’ve always believed that if you talk about someone behind their back then say it to their face too.  If you can’t then don’t say anything.  Never lie to make yourself look better.  Take responsibility for your actions.  It makes things so much easier.  How on earth can he and I move ahead if his family is keeping her and the bike around.  Are they trying to separate us, is that part of her plan.  All I know for sure is that I am insecure and worried.  I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t reach him.  The one that got them together still hasn’t owned up to it.

Down in the dumps....

April 23

Let’s just call it a down mood.  Too much thinking.  All the negative feelings I tried to shut the door on are slipping through.  It’s getting harder to hide it.  Yesterday they noticed I was on the verge of tears again.  Major feeling of “I’m not the only one in his life”.  I’m not the only one of anything.  He’s done so much more with others and I’ve done nothing.  We don’t really share anything other than a son.  That’s the thing no one else has done for him.  I had been feeling better but then he made a comment about what an ex did sexually.  He told me none of them did, so another lie.  He’s totally into new positions all of a sudden.  Why?????  I think he slept with her, he said he didn’t, said he couldn’t, I think he lied.  He just doesn’t want to admit it.  Too many doubts about everything.  I wish he would just tell the truth.  I would never think of blurting out something I did with someone else.  That’s inconsiderate.  I don’t feel very special to him.  Trying to ditch these feelings, I guess that’s why I write instead of talking.  I keep these thoughts to myself.  The best way to get them out is to write.  Then I don’t hurt his feelings and he doesn’t get defensive.  I’m sure he realizes the directions of my thoughts.

afternoon

Feeling better now.  It’s not the greatest place to be when you’re so unsure of things.  I guess yesterday and today I’m just really unsure of where I stand in his life.  I want to believe him but I feel like I can’t. I’m embarrased by my appearance, I feel fat.  Sometimes I just feel like running away.  I’ve been quite emotional again lately.  I cry easily.  My feelings are hurt.  Just walking on a tightrope again.  It really does mess up lives when you screw around.  I hate how you hurt me and the kids, I hate the depth of pain you caused.  I don’t want to look at him.  The other weekend when talked about intimacy with his ex it pushed me back.  I’m not interested in how she did it and what she did.

Somedays I hate being me...

April 21

It started out rocky, a few hurtful words.  But in the end sunday and saturday turned out ok.  He worked hard on the deck.  He didn’t want to which is what started the problem.  I feel like I don’t know where I stand with him.  Even though things are great all around.  I just don’t know where I stand.  Would he walk away if something better came along?  Is he truly committed this time?  I’m not too secure yet.  It was a good Easter weekend.

April 22

This is quite a year for change.  Last sunday he took us to a friends house for a helicopter ride.  The kids loved it.  Everything is getting better but I’m finding myself becoming jealous.  I didn’t before.  I’m not sure why the change.  The situation with her really messed me up a lot.  I know now that at anytime he could turn to someone else no matter how much he loves me.  It doesn’t do much for the ego knowing that.  All I can do is hope he wont’.  It’s almost like I’m hanging from the thread and he’s at the bottom saying let go I’ll catch you.  I’m afraid to let go completely, I want to trust him but something is blocking me.  I can’t quite put my finger on the reason.  That’s probably why I’m still writing.  Tonight my mood has really gone downhill.  Something he said to me on sunday has been nagging at me.  He mentioned something secually that an ex did that I don’t do.  I know I’m not giving him what he wants now.  He’s probably comparing me to her everytime in bed.  He probably only settled for me. I wonder if there was someone else that both her and I don’t know about.  During the separation his sexual choices changed dramatically.

And now, back to Willow Dreams....

April 16

Looking back over time it’s nice to see how the hurt is not as bad anymore.  The really low days have stopped.  It’s only when we have a disagreement that I get really sad lose faith in myself.  He tries hard to make me feel good.  He tells me all the time I’m the cutest mom or wife.  Right now I think my major problem is doubt.  He says he loves me and wants to be here.  My own screwed up head wonders if something better came along would he leave.  He says he wasn’t attracted to her.  She was overweight and offered him to stay there.  So does that mean if she was thinner he would have stayed?  Or did he love me enough to leave still.  I can’t compete with someone who has a few million in the bank.  I’m proud of him.  He is not into revenge.  He’s held his head high through it all.  I wish he could have his Harley.  I wish he didn’t have to work.  I would love a vacation on an island, alone, no one else around.  Get up when we want, sleep and eat when we want.  Nice dream eh.  lol.  I’m sure the novelty would wear off after awhile and boredom would set in.  Most of all I’d like to be away from the negative influences that quite a few of his family exude.

Every now and then until I have you completely updated on Willow Dreams…. I will jump in with something current.  Today, it’s my birthday.  Surprisingly enough this has been a great day.  I’m working afternoon shift this week so everything started last night when I arrived home at 11:45 pm.  There were two cards and a rose plant.  Jim and Dak were both awake.  This morning the phone rang at 6:30 am, oh my goodness, who on earth is phoning at that time, hopefully I thought at the time it’s not an emergency because I really don’t feel like moving.  Back to sleep I went and the next thing was the door bell……..hmmf, it’s my birthday and the world wants me awake, lol.  Down to the door I stumble, peek out and standing there is my mom.  OK, I can be sneaky, not answer the door or phone at times, but, when it is my mom standing there, nope, so I throw the door open trying to look awake.  She was quite happy because my daughter who is away right now had hatched a plan with her Nana to deliver me a birthday surprise.  So birthday deliveries were made.  As for the phone call, that was my daughter, Risse called at 6:30 am to leave a birthday message on the answering machine.  Great day is not sufficient enough to describe it, even mother nature is kicking in by warming the temps up a little.  So how do I feel today, fantastic, elated, loved, wanted, remembered.  The last few years with everything that’s been going on birthdays were pretty sad.  And I even think this birthday is going to have such an impact that it may pave the way to help get over the date of March 17 when Willow Dreams was hatched, in case you haven’t read all the posts, that is the date my husband and I separated and he moved in with someone else.  So we are replacing some sad moments with joyful memories, friends included.  The day isn’t over yet because apparently my coworkers are planning a little gathering at break time to celebrate also, and my favorite delight will be provided, cheese cake.  : )  So with you, my faithful reader, I wish to share my joy today.  It’s a good day…..

She's back in the picture again...

March 23

The weekend is OK, some of the thoughts that are running through my mind though are revelations.  I know how easy it is to lose the relationship, I know how easy it is for him to turn to someone else, during the separation I chose to stay alone.

March 25

I feel like we don’t have much time left together.  I hope it’s not an omen.

March 26

We must be on a roll.   Things have been really good for almost two weeks now.

March 27

I spoke too soon.  His sister called to say there would be a baby shower on April 8.  I’m not too excited about going.  These are the people who stabbed me in the back, supported his choice to lie to me and the kids and have an affair.  He picked up on my mood.  We’re supposed to go to his parents on saturday  for turkey.  If I don’t go to either it will make things worse for me with him.  Things are bad enough already.  I don’t like being around people who lie to me.

March 28

He was sick all last night.  I called his mom to let her know.  If he isn’t feeling better we won’t be going for dinner.

March 29

He is feeling better today.  He had something to eat.

March 30

Well, I really know he is better, he’s starting to pick at me again.

April 15

Well, I haven’t really needed to write for the last few weeks up until now.  Everything had started to go great.  Then “the other woman” popped back into the picture.  Did I mention she was a lotto 649 winner, yep, big money, nothing I can compete with at all.  She had bought him a brand new Harley Davidson, his dream bike.  When he came back home he signed it back over to her and walked away.  In a way she snatched his dream from under him….but wait, it gets better.  She contacted one of his brothers and asked him if he wanted to buy the bike…..and he did!  We just found out, he was bragging about it, how could he hurt his own brother like that and flaunt the bike infront of both of us.  It caused a major rift between them this weekend.  Now he is taking it out on the kids and I.  I feel lost and alone.  We lost our closeness because of the bike which goes right back to her.  She’s still coming between us.  I wish he’d never made that choice.  I needed to be touched too, I needed someone to be close too but I never once thought about turning to someone else when we were separated.  I’m afraid to approach, touch, say talk, ask him anything.  Here come the tears.  I found a fishing hunting card with her address and his name on it.  I thre it in the garbage.  I’m sick of seeing her address, her name, being reminded of the lies and deception.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we’re back together and that after that major test we still love eachother.  The hurting though hasn’t stopped.  Everytime I turn around there she is or something that is part of her.  Now this bike is going to be around.  The others hang out with her still.  I just want everyone to leave him and I alone.  I’m hoping I can get past the tarnishing of our wedding vows.  Christmas sucks big time.  There aren’t any celebrations that mean anything now to me.  He only gives gifts  if we’re fighting.  I hope the summer vacation won’t end up being a right off.  I still feel though like he’s being forced to be here, not because he wants to.

I'm trying...

March 13

Last Saturday I almost lost it completely.  It doesn’t matter what started it, the fact is I almost went over the edge.  He and I in a round about way talked and he helped me by listening.  I yelled at the kids.  I was able to let him know how I felt.  From our talk in the parking lot the rest of the day and the weekend ended up better.  This has been a fairly tough week.  Last night it was 8:30 when he got home from work and his back still hurts.  I wish we could be lucky and win some money.  Then we could move and he could have a Harley, he could have a heated work shop.  I don’t know what to do.  I would like to stop working but I would feel guilty leaving the kids I take care of.  But then we could go on a real vacation.  He never proposed to me, even that was caused from a fight.  I guess last summer we both realized what needed to change in our marriage.  He hasn’t been bullying my daughter as much.  I’m trying to be everything he could possibly want.  I think that’s why my weight bothers me so much.  I want him to be proud in public.  I don’t want him to be ashamed of how I look.  I still feel like our anniversary will be a farce.  Those vows were broken, he broke the vow he made.

March 20

OK, if you can make them smile and think of you, what’s the harm.  I bought a pair of white lace thong panties and put them in his lunch bag.  He called at 9:45 am after finding them laughing.  I hope it worked.  So far I’ve had two good days of proper eating.  Everyone says I look fine but not in my eyes.  I look in the mirror and I’m repulsed by what I see.  How can my image change so drastically within hours.  I can go from looking at myself and thinking ‘not bad’ to be actually being repulsed, I sense gross, fat, ugly.  

March 21

I like writing when I’m upset, it helps to calm me down.  When I’m elated it’s like telling a friend.  Today is a down slide.  Not for any reason.  He couldn’t be better right now.  The have been great.  I just feel like crying.  Why????  I have no idea.  Part of the symptoms.  Sometimes there is no reason for the sadness.  Sometimes the sadness makes problems though.  That’s the part I hate.  I miss him right now.  I wish he was here just so I could b close and feel safe.  Sometimes I think maybe he has the same feelings.  I don’t think it would be good to say “hey is your head as messed up as mine”.  He almost seemed sad last night in bed.  The sound of his voice, the emotions in his eyes.  It reminded me of how I feel when I think he’s going to leave.  I depend on him so much.  Is it possible to be with someone for so long and no know them at all.  I think so.  I think we were both holding back before.  I’m still feeling shaky right now.  When I hold out my hand it’s trembling.

Some things are still in the dark....

March 11

OK, two good days, this being the second.  I think it will be a while before I stop looking at him and wondering just what he's thinking and if it's good or bad.  I know he loves me or he wouldn't have walked away from her.  I think the bottom line is risk.  I'm afraid to risk being hurt again.  What is life without risk?  I think our relationship is better.  We fight but we resolve the issue and we couldn't do that before.  I was too stubborn, he was always right.  I need to get over my fear and drop the hang up.  I was hurt but I can get past that, right?  He has to live the rest of his life knowing what he did.  Guilt can sometimes be harder.  That's why I don't accuse him.  He still needs to come clean with all the truth. He hasn't done that yet.  A lot of denial still.

March12

Starting to obsess again, about my weight, feeling fat.

March 13

I asked him if he would take some time off when I take my holidays, we've never had holidays together.  Never.  At first he said he couldn't.  I reminded him that he was more than happy to take holidays for her and has never had a holiday with us.  I'm really tired today.  I could fall asleep quite easily.  I wish she would move like she told him she would.  He didn't fall for that one from her.