Take a breath and go...

July 7 

He is still upset and so am I.  It seems like he’s slowly chipping away at any sense of self worth I have left.  I never imagined I would react this way.  I never imagined there would be a day where there was no fight left in me.  I hate the way I look.  If he wants to leave I’ll open the door for him.  He blames me for losing the bike she bought for him.  So many words from so many people still haunt me.  Him saying getting involved with me was a mistake.  Now this last one.  He didn’t even stand up to her when she wrecked my daughter’s birthday party.  Things just don’t seem to be working out very well.  He gets angry, I get upset.  Right now this is the worst since September.  I don’t know if we can survive the effect of his cheating.  It seems to have added problems too.  I don’t throw it in his face, in fact we don’t even talk about it.  We chose to try and move on.  How do you forget and move on though.  Some days I’m suspicious.  Why I don’t know.  I feel defeated and ready to turn and walk away.  I couldn’t live through giving him another chance.  I feel like building a high wall is the only way I’ll survive.  He’s starting to get angrier with me now.  He ignores the kids.  I’m not sleeping well at night, I toss and turn.

Evening

The tension is so evident.  I don’t know what to do or say.  How do you set aside pain.  How do you close your mind and heart to it.  Is it fair of him to expect me to.  How long does it take to get over heartache and how could it hurt so much.  I don’t know what he’s thinking and I’m afraid to ask.  I don’t want to argue anymore or fight or have misunderstandings.  Again I don’t know how we’ll get back to where we were.

July 8

Last night he asked very curtly how we were going to fix this.  My answer was simply I don’t know.  He didn’t sound too happy because I took the opening message off his phone.  He asked me if I didn’t love him anymore.  Right now I’m still very hurt.  Loving someone doesn’t come to mind and that’s sad.  He made a comment the other week that I have found curious.  He said that before we split up he was depressed.  Congratulations, so was I.  I still am.  It didn’t just go away when I found out my husband was with another woman and telling me lies.   It didn’t just go away whe I found out he was sneaking over here in the morning to be with me and telling her lies.  He never stayed late while he lived with her, I know why, she would have figured it out.  I feel worse now.  I’m more paranoid, she said I was the other woman.  I am still having the panic attacks.  I’m ready to throw in the towel.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  He builds me up and then he drops me.  He’s getting angry over small things and I don’t understand why.  Maybe he’s looking for a way out and is using fighting for an excuse.  He’ll either use this to say he’s leaving because we’re not getting along instead of the truth that he just doesn’t want to be here.  The kids heard the whole fight.  The front door was open and the neighbors heard every word he yelled at me.  His anger explodes out of nowhere.

Evening

Nothing has changed.  I don’t understand how he could get so angry and say such hurtful things.  I think it may be time to bring out all the questions I have.  It’s time to close the chapter and try to move on.  I don’t even know how to approach the topic because he’ll just explode at me.