A black cloud on Mother's day....

May 8

More weird dreams.  They didn’t even make sense.  I can’t remember what I dreamed, I woke up tired and confused.  Am I awake or am I dreaming.  Are we back together or am I dreaming we are.  Yesterday was one of those days that all the sad, angry feelings I pushed down came to the surface.  I can’t ignore them too much longer.  I’ll have to address the problem soon.  I just don’t want him to get the wrong idea.  I don’t want to upset him.  He will have to take responsibility for his actions and accept the blame.  Life is about choices, unfortunately his choices hurt me and now I have a problem.  I wish the thoughts, the hurt would go away.  It’s like having a nagging headache.  I want peace.  I want to know the whole truth.  I want to know and trust he’s not keeping anything from me.  I think I’m having trouble because I haven’t confronted any of the issues.

May 9

Feeling more settled today.  There are still tears on the edge but I feel calmer.

May 11 Mother’s Day

The kids tried, my son made me a card at school and my daughter went to the corner store and bought me a candle.  He didn’t help them in any way.  He never even offered to help them.  They tried to make me breakfast.  He went to make breakfast after and asked what I wanted.  I said I’d have toast and bacon but no eggs.  When I came down there was nothing, he made no toast and gave our son all the bacon.  There was no breakfast for me, said he forgot.  I still feel like he’s taking advantage of me.  He doesn’t care about my feelings or he wouldn’t do these things.  I don’t  want any more disappointment, no more Christmas’s where there is nothing.  No more birthdays where I am ignored.  I don’t understand why he wouldn’t help the kids.  I don’t think my heart can be shattered any more than it already has been.  I still feel like he’s doing something behind my back.

May 12

I don’t think he even realizes how his insensitivity hurts me.  And if he does he doesn’t care.  He would try to change if he was really sorry.  Instead he’s gotten worse.  If he’s trying to break my spirit it’s working.  I’ve been having panic attacks when we go out.  I feel very insecure.  Some days are good, some are horrible.  I don’t know what I’m really feeling.  I feel confused, scared.  I feel like he has me on a line.  Reel me in then throw me out again.  Is he making himself feel better at the cost of lowering my self esteem.  Does he feel so secure and blameless.  Why does he feel that he did nothing wrong and that I made him cheat