She's back in the picture again...

March 23

The weekend is OK, some of the thoughts that are running through my mind though are revelations.  I know how easy it is to lose the relationship, I know how easy it is for him to turn to someone else, during the separation I chose to stay alone.

March 25

I feel like we don’t have much time left together.  I hope it’s not an omen.

March 26

We must be on a roll.   Things have been really good for almost two weeks now.

March 27

I spoke too soon.  His sister called to say there would be a baby shower on April 8.  I’m not too excited about going.  These are the people who stabbed me in the back, supported his choice to lie to me and the kids and have an affair.  He picked up on my mood.  We’re supposed to go to his parents on saturday  for turkey.  If I don’t go to either it will make things worse for me with him.  Things are bad enough already.  I don’t like being around people who lie to me.

March 28

He was sick all last night.  I called his mom to let her know.  If he isn’t feeling better we won’t be going for dinner.

March 29

He is feeling better today.  He had something to eat.

March 30

Well, I really know he is better, he’s starting to pick at me again.

April 15

Well, I haven’t really needed to write for the last few weeks up until now.  Everything had started to go great.  Then “the other woman” popped back into the picture.  Did I mention she was a lotto 649 winner, yep, big money, nothing I can compete with at all.  She had bought him a brand new Harley Davidson, his dream bike.  When he came back home he signed it back over to her and walked away.  In a way she snatched his dream from under him….but wait, it gets better.  She contacted one of his brothers and asked him if he wanted to buy the bike…..and he did!  We just found out, he was bragging about it, how could he hurt his own brother like that and flaunt the bike infront of both of us.  It caused a major rift between them this weekend.  Now he is taking it out on the kids and I.  I feel lost and alone.  We lost our closeness because of the bike which goes right back to her.  She’s still coming between us.  I wish he’d never made that choice.  I needed to be touched too, I needed someone to be close too but I never once thought about turning to someone else when we were separated.  I’m afraid to approach, touch, say talk, ask him anything.  Here come the tears.  I found a fishing hunting card with her address and his name on it.  I thre it in the garbage.  I’m sick of seeing her address, her name, being reminded of the lies and deception.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we’re back together and that after that major test we still love eachother.  The hurting though hasn’t stopped.  Everytime I turn around there she is or something that is part of her.  Now this bike is going to be around.  The others hang out with her still.  I just want everyone to leave him and I alone.  I’m hoping I can get past the tarnishing of our wedding vows.  Christmas sucks big time.  There aren’t any celebrations that mean anything now to me.  He only gives gifts  if we’re fighting.  I hope the summer vacation won’t end up being a right off.  I still feel though like he’s being forced to be here, not because he wants to.