Feeling low, low, low....

April 26

He finished the deck today.  That was a lot of work.  I had another strange dream last night.  I was hiding.  He was trying to help me.  Very weird.  He was younger in the dream.  His mom was there too.  I think the dreams and my thoughts are born of fear and low self esteem.  I don’t feel that deserve happiness.  I’m afraid of being hurt.

May 5

I’m afraid, it feels like a gap is growing between us.  I’d swear there is something he’s keeping from me.  I have a raw sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I almost feel a wedge.  An unfeeling wedge growing wider.  It scares me.  I hate the way I look, I feel fat, and I feel ugly.  After having everything and money when he lived with her it must be hard for him to come back here to nothing.  All he talks about is wanting a Harley motorcycle.  Nothing else is good enough now. Money is the root of all evil.  I wish I knew for sure why he came back.  How he really and honestly feels.  Did he only come back because he got caught.

May 6

I’m kind of blank today.  I don’t really know how I feel.  Afraid, I’m still afraid to totally let go and trust him completely again.  I’m still afraid to be hurt again.  It’s weird he had my complete trust before but not all of me.  Now he has all of me but I have no faith or trust in him.  Can you truly love someone but not trust them?

May 7

Maybe it’s not that I don’t trust him.  If I didn’t trust him I probably wouldn’t be here.  I think I’m honest with myself.  I realize the chances are good he’ll cheat on me again.  I can’t say anymore he wouldn’t do that to me.  I don’t think his love goes that deep.  I have always cared for, loved and respected him too much to do that to him.  Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.  That one choice he made showed me I can be replaced at any tie and his love isn’t deep enough to overcome the choice of cheating.  He didn’t respect me or my feelings.  It’s hard living with that knowledge.  It still hurts.  I think it will be something that will always haunt me.  He had better and then for some reason settled for me.  That’s how I feel, I was settled for, second choice, last on the bench, used.