Feeling like I'm in the dark.....

February 18

Today he went to pick up his brothers girlfriend at the airport.  He left after work at 4:15.  It's 8:43 and he's not home.  Her plane came in at 6:15.  In one month it will be a year since we separated.  My nerves aren't doing well.  It's not that I don't trust him.  The bottom line is that he lied to me for so long.  He was deceptive.  I have lost my faith in him.  I don't believe him most of the time and that's sad.  It's not a matter of is he fooling around again.  It's more like will he lie to me or hurt me again and when.  He makes it look like nothing happened  last year.  We aren't even close to being out of the woods yet.  I love him with all my soul.  I still cry everyday.  Most of the time I've been able  to hide it.  The kids have caught me a few times.  It's just like this big black cloud of sadness is always inside me.  In bed I can't stop the thoughts of him with someone else while he's screwing around with my feelings.  I was called the "other woman".  Wanna explain the logic of that one.  How can your wife be called the other woman when she didn't even know about the other one.  She knew about me.  I had no clue she even existed.  I have to admit, he did a nice job of messing my head up.  And yet according to a majority of his family, I am the guilty party.  Again all the lies are what hurt the most.  People being nice to my face and stabbing me in the back when I turn around.  Another point I brought up with him was that in 10 years he never once took holidays with us.  Last year he went to Vegas, up north and the BC with her.  He took time off work to be with her, kind of makes you wonder.  I still don't feel sure enough of myself to talk to him.  I'm afraid.  Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.  It would make the hurt go away. I don't want to cry anymore.  I want someone I can believe and trust with my life, never mind my feelings.  9:05 pm and he just walked in the door. Said the plane was delayed, still going on about the plane being late.  If nothing had gone on why is he going on about the plane.  I feel like he's starting to take the relationship for granted again.  He doesn't realize we're still working on thin ice and at anytime it could break.  I don't really know how long I can go on feeling this way.  It's not fair to anyone.  It all comes from one choice, one lie, one deception, one other woman.