A Christmas not to be forgotten....

December 1

He seems distant and not himself.  Getting angry very easily, upset with me very easily.  Yelling at me when I ask what is wrong.

December 3

Another night of him starting with sarcasm.  Even in bed.  I can't help but wonder what he's doing or hiding.

December 4

Left this morning after saying sarcastically,  "see you later, have a nice day".  I'm done running to him. He was the cruel one before when I asked him to leave  He's the one who screwed around behind my back, lied to me and the kids and cheated.  I'm done, I didn't do anything and I won't feel guilty for what he did.

December 6

We talked last night and sorted things out some what.

December9

It feels like our marriage is getting stronger but I have feelings that he may be doing something I won't like when I find out what it is.  I still don't trust him.

December 10

I know it's small but it's huge to me.  He still has her address on his prescriptions.  He said she was the one who changed it at the drug store.  Before I found out about her I was under the impression we were working things out and getting closer.  He was coming here in the mornings before work and she thought he was going to work early.  She would have known if he stayed late at night.  It's making sense to me now and I don't like it.

December 17

I am so excited about Christmas.  Finally a year when we are a real family.

December 24

Went to his sister's for the family get together.  Not bad but not great.  It's almost as though I'm an intruder and they are putting up with me being there.  I don't understand why.  I'm sure the rest of the stories will come out soon.  His parents asked me about not cooking for him,  I think they believed every lie they were told and still do.  He always would go and visit them when I would go grocery shopping, he never took me to visit them.  I don't understand why he wouldn't take me.

December 25

Can it possibly get any worse than last year.  Yes, it did.  He gave me nothing for Christmas.  Not even a card.  There was nothing under the tree for me at all.  What a horrible feeling to come down on Christmas morning and watch everyone else open gifts and have your child ask you why you're not opening anything.  Now I know what's going on.  He has his home back, me doing everything again,  I don't feel loved I feel used.

December 27

Says he's sorry and doesn't know why.  Sure, you don't know why you like to  hurt me and screw my head up just a little more each time, sure you don't know why you screwed around on me but it's my fault.  He is using me and I'm letting him.  I still feel like there is something going on.  I told him exactly how I feel.

December 31

When will I ever learn.  Evening was a disaster.  We went out for New Year's.  He didn't have a good time, wasn't impressed by my dress, or the fact I got my hair and nails done.  I feel stupid, embarrassed, exposed, uncomfortable.