A sea of swirling insanity....

March 8

He had a Dr. appointment yesterday.  He came home quite late and said nothing.  I asked how the appointment went and he said he had to go back in three months.  His blood pressure was down which was good.  When I asked why he was late he said he went for a drink with his brother.  Do I believe him, no, I just wonder who he really met.  All of a sudden he got a headache last night.  Today all he's done is sleep on the couch.  Also for some reason he's acting like the persecuted one.  I notice when he is mad at me he takes it out on the kids.  I wish he'd realize that his actions will come back to haunt him.  The other woman certainly did.  His parents said they only wanted to see him happy.  Do they care who he hurts to be happy.  Not very good morals  if you ask me.  Very selfish.  There are tales of other spouses in this family screwing around.  I can't confirm or deny because I wasn't there, to me they are tales.  I'm getting that feeling again.  Same as before.  I was right then, am I right again.  He pushes me away and I start to go back into myself, not trusting anyone, keeping thoughts to myself.  Not saying when I've been hurt.  Just allowing it to happen.  I used to feel safe and secure with him.  We may have fought but I knew I was safe and could trust him.  And then came the slap.  I'm in a depression.  I can't seem to get out of the black cloud.  I'm sad all the time, I cry at the drop of a hat.  I have an ache inside that can't be stopped.  I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away.  How fitting the card was he gave, except if this is showing me how much he loves me, I wish he hated me instead.

March 9

He pretty much cornered me this morning.  I blurted out everything that was bothering me.  I'm glad he kept in front of me. I broke.  The rest of the day was so much better.  I wish I wasn't so paranoid.  Maybe it's good that I know how I am and why.  I can at least work with it.  I feel like we've lost more time.  When we're together I wish time would stop.  Sometimes I can't get close enough.  I'm afraid.  But I think I'm getting closer to trusting him.  Our relationship has reached a higher level.  Physically it's better than it's ever been.  Now he know things about me than no one else knows.  Some days though I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I'm still thinking he'll leave if he doesn't get what he wants.

I hate mirrors....

February 26

I thought yesterday was OK but again last night he didn't want me close on the couch or touching him.  This morning he apologized.  Why am I turning him off in bed.  I need to set him down and find out what the problem is. It hurts when he won't talk to me about what's bothering him.  Is it her again, is she somewhere surfacing again.

March 3

The weekend became a right off.  I was edgy and bitchy.  He took offense and became just as upset and we ended up having a horrible weekend.  Sunday brought a change after we'd been apart most of the day.

March 6

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, sick sick sick.  I've had the same migraine since Friday.  Stomach doesn't hurt anymore.  My birthday came and went yesterday.  My daughter bought me a candle and earrings.  My son made me a card with his sister's help.  He brought a cake home late last night.  This headache is in my temple and doesn't seem to be letting up, stress maybe?  

March 7

The head game started again last night.  In bed as usual.  I tried to repeat back to him what I thought he said, the way I understood it.  Each time I got the first word out he started to bark out at me.  After he did it again I stopped and said never mind, what ever it's no concern of mine.  There was no point in me trying.  He asked me to say it and that he would keep quiet but I said no.  I wasn't angry I just didn't want to be talked over when I was trying to talk.  He rolled on to his back and closed his eyes.  I'm not into these games.  I don't initiate sex because the last time he laughed at me and pushed me away.  The head games mess me up.  I don't think he really wants to be here.  I think the novelty has worn off.  He's quick to start something and then pull back completely in bed.

Family can be the cruelest....

February 21

Last night there was some sort of problem.  He didn't want to do anything.  He didn't even try to get close.  For someone who always wanted to be close physically before, there are more times now that he doesn't want to more than he does.  That only tells me one thing, he doesn't want to be intimate....why?  I don't seem to be doing anything right.  The state of the house horrible to him, he calls it a shit hole.  I'm surprised he even wants to be here.  Is there a hole I can crawl into? I don't feel so great today.  I look in the mirror and see a fat and ugly person.  Not much wonder I turn him off.  He's probably only here for the kids and feels sorry for me.  This is such stupid talk.  I wish I could just believe he's not going to hurt me again and get on with my life.  I'm afraid though.  I'm jealous, I'm paranoid, I'm screwed in the head is what I am.

10:45 pm

OK, I'm not feeling so sorry for myself now.  What I need to do is focus on the good and not worry about what might happen.  Oh well if he finds someone else.  I just hope there will be no more lies.  It would be nice if I didn't feel like I was on the verge of tears all the time.

February 22

Woke up in the middle of the night again.  Restless.  Went to bed early to catch up.

9:25pm

What started out as a fairly decent day became not so good.  We went to Paris Kitchens to have a look and stopped at his parents.  While there his mom made the comment that his sister in law was in Florida having a great time with "she who is the other woman" and his sisters.  Yes, you read right, she was included in the family vacation.  I can't get away from that woman.  Why would his mother even think of waving her name in front of me, never mind tell me how much of a wonderful time they are having with her.  It took every ounce of pride I had left in me to smile and not cry.  He knew in the van something was wrong.  When we got home I broke.  I don't look forward to any get together with his family.  I'm sure it won't be the last time she's flaunted in front of me.   They all talk behind each others backs.  How can they feel it's right for them to keep associating with her after what happened.  He cheated on me with her, lied to me and the kids about where he was living.  

February 23

 Not a very good day in one sense.  Something is wrong.  It's 8:30, I'm in bed and he's watching TV.  Even watching the movie he didn't touch me.  He pushed my leg away when it touched his.  Something is wrong.

Am I fooling myself?

February 19

The last few days haven't been too good, have they.  It's strange how other people can influence you.  I was upset with his brother for having him pick up his girlfriend and I took it out on him.  Mind you it wouldn't have taken much to get me blubbering.  Luckily he didn't hear me last night crying in bed.  I know a lot of things are bothering me right now and I'm going to have to talk to him before I explode.   I just hope he is able to listen to it all objectively.  So let's ask this question, what has the past taught me, what have I really learned and am I going to make the same mistake again.  I'm really not sure what I've learned.  "Make the most of every moment", "trust yourself", I don't know.

February 20

In one way I'm starting to come out of the dark spot this month.  I'm still really emotional.  The days seem really long.  And the nights seem too short.  Last Saturday he had to work.  On Sunday he slept most of the day on the couch.  It's strange how I'm turning to the person who hurt me for security, love and a sense of belonging.  I bared my soul to him.

Feeling like I'm in the dark.....

February 18

Today he went to pick up his brothers girlfriend at the airport.  He left after work at 4:15.  It's 8:43 and he's not home.  Her plane came in at 6:15.  In one month it will be a year since we separated.  My nerves aren't doing well.  It's not that I don't trust him.  The bottom line is that he lied to me for so long.  He was deceptive.  I have lost my faith in him.  I don't believe him most of the time and that's sad.  It's not a matter of is he fooling around again.  It's more like will he lie to me or hurt me again and when.  He makes it look like nothing happened  last year.  We aren't even close to being out of the woods yet.  I love him with all my soul.  I still cry everyday.  Most of the time I've been able  to hide it.  The kids have caught me a few times.  It's just like this big black cloud of sadness is always inside me.  In bed I can't stop the thoughts of him with someone else while he's screwing around with my feelings.  I was called the "other woman".  Wanna explain the logic of that one.  How can your wife be called the other woman when she didn't even know about the other one.  She knew about me.  I had no clue she even existed.  I have to admit, he did a nice job of messing my head up.  And yet according to a majority of his family, I am the guilty party.  Again all the lies are what hurt the most.  People being nice to my face and stabbing me in the back when I turn around.  Another point I brought up with him was that in 10 years he never once took holidays with us.  Last year he went to Vegas, up north and the BC with her.  He took time off work to be with her, kind of makes you wonder.  I still don't feel sure enough of myself to talk to him.  I'm afraid.  Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.  It would make the hurt go away. I don't want to cry anymore.  I want someone I can believe and trust with my life, never mind my feelings.  9:05 pm and he just walked in the door. Said the plane was delayed, still going on about the plane being late.  If nothing had gone on why is he going on about the plane.  I feel like he's starting to take the relationship for granted again.  He doesn't realize we're still working on thin ice and at anytime it could break.  I don't really know how long I can go on feeling this way.  It's not fair to anyone.  It all comes from one choice, one lie, one deception, one other woman.

Sometimes they come back....

January 2

Everyone is asking me what he gave me for Christmas and how he liked the dress I got for the party.  It's the most uncomfortable question, I feel stupid because I don't want to tell them, and I certainly am tired of people feeling sorry for me.

January 6

He seemed better this morning.  I still can't help but feel something is going on.  Before he drove away he came back to the house and kissed me.  Maybe I'm just too paranoid.  I feel sad all the time, fear like a cornered rabbit waiting the the fox to pounce and end it all.

January 7

Feel like I'm on the verge of tears.  Wish he was home.  Need the truth no matter what.  Need it to be over, finished.  I want to go forward.  I'm scared, I feel alone.  Getting more migraines, two a week.

January 8

So far so good today.  Tired but otherwise not teary eyed, happy in fact.

January 18

Found out today that she is going south to Florida with his family.  She keeps appearing just when you think things are fine.  Makes you wonder what they are up to.

January 20

Compared to last year the challenges are much harder this year.  I don't really know if I can get over the fact that he lied and cheated, and that his family still keeps her around.  If he knew that all my mind dwells on when we're in bed is him with her I don't think he'd be happy.  My spirit is broken.  I'd like to run away.  I would really like to be someone else.  Maybe I should not have asked him to come back.  Maybe he should have just stayed with her.

Valentines 2009

Happy Valentines to all the young at heart.  My wish for you is that you will always remember what you are feeling at this moment.  The happiness, the joy, free spirit, lighter than air, true love feeling.  Hold on as long as you can and work hard to keep it.  I am at a point where although I am surrounded by many I feel ever so lonely.  Forgotten, taken for granted, not quite as important to remember.  My daughter, who has been away since September with a Katimavik program, came home for the weekend last night.  Her journey took her to British Columbia last September, in January she arrived in Ottawa and her next leg will take her Quebec until June.  It's been very hard having her away.  I wasn't quite ready for the chicks to start leaving the nest.  I found myself depressed at Christmas with the missing component of my family.  It was like having the breath taken from you, it was just not Christmas.  I had her on video cam, but, it was just not the same.  It was great to see her last night.  We picked her up at the Greyhound station in Toronto.  Her 5 hour bus ride turned into a 4 hour ride.  The driver certainly picked up the pace.  She gave Jim and I a box of chocolates to share and the lid was a motorcycle jacket, also she gave me a little angel pin.  Dak is too young yet to really think about Valentines.  I had purchased three tins of chocolate and three hearts filled with chocolate covered strawberries for them.  As well as a card for Jim.  I was a little disappointed that he didn't think about Valentines, nor even wish me a Happy Valentines, this is where feeling lonely while surrounded by many comes in.  I'm trying to have a brighter outlook, trying to not think about it, but, it's difficult.  I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself aren't I.  I feel embarrassed, sad, no anger.  So now is the chore of pretending to be happy, like nothing is wrong, like nothing has happened.  Put a fake smile on, take a breath, lift up my shoulders and try to raise my head.